Third Heathrow runway 'vital for mass exodus from this shitty country'

HEATHROW’S controversial third runway is vital for the forthcoming exodus from this arsed-up country, government officials have confirmed.

Despite public opposition, MPs have backed the addition of a new runway as a basic human right for anyone trapped in Britain’s looming dystopian nightmare.

A government spokesman explained: “How do you think this shit is going to go down when Brexit hits?

“It’s going to be like the end of Titanic, with all the toffs and Billy Zane hitting people with their canes as they scramble for the overloaded lifeboats.

“People need to be able to get the f*ck out of here as quickly as possible.”

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Man who claims to be a Luddite actually more of a gobshite

A MAN who claims to be ‘a bit of a Luddite’ is actually more a gobshite, it has emerged.

54-year-old Martin Bishop likes to say things like “Oh, I’m a bit of a Luddite when it comes to technology” and “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks” when puzzling over how Netflix works, but he is actually a lazy gobshite bastard.

Bishop said: “I don’t know how things like iPads work. I mean, my five-year-old nephew can use it as can my 16-year old-border collier but not me, nope.

“I’m a bit of a Luddite like that. Do you think Clarkson knows how to use an iPad or a microwave?”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “People who describe themselves as ‘Luddites’ will often be carrying a rolled-up copy of the Daily Mail under their arm.

“Which is weird because you’d think a Luddite would be more likely to angrily burn a newspaper then go and smash up the printing press with his pitchfork.”