For sale: News channel, never watched

BUYER WANTED for 29-year-old TV news channel, never watched, pristine condition. 

This highly sought-after news service is every Briton’s fifth choice in times of emergency after the BBC, ITV, C4 and the BBC again.

Famous for being the groundbreaking first UK news channel to broadcast 24 hours a day, Sky was also the first to prove that there are more hours in the day than there are interesting events.

Originally bought by an elderly Australian gentleman in anticipation of the repeal of broadcasting regulations requiring impartial coverage, the channel costs approximately £40m a year to run and has never made money.

Sky is also the only channel to employ, or which would consider employing, reporter Kay Burley whose scoops include making various victims of crime cry on camera and reading a Golden Retriever’s mind.

The channel comes with subsidiary Sky Sports News, home of the must-watch twice-yearly transfer day round-up where reporters in football club car parks attempt to stop fans making obscene hand gestures.

Buyers would be considered to have done Rupert Murdoch, and by association the Conservative party and government of Britain, a favour to be repaid in any manner they see fit.

Why are people not having sex with you?

HAVE you started to think there might be a reason why no one is having sex with you? Take our test and find out.

What is on your bed?

A. John Lewis duvet in a tasteful, freshly-washed cover.
B. A Fraggle Rock duvet smelling strongly of sweat and covered in unmentionable stains that are hopefully not the bodily excretions they look like.

What, in your opinion, makes for a good conversation?

A. Listening to the other person and responding in a worthwhile way.
B. Banging on about some personal obsession – such as ethnic minorities being over-represented on TV – while the other person respectfully listens to your great wisdom.

What do you consider amusing?

A. Comedy films like The Lego Movie or some stupid but funny internet clip of monkeys stealing cigarettes.
B. Endlessly reciting Monty Python lines such as “It’s just a flesh wound!” and “Splitters!”

How is your flat furnished?

A. In a normal modern style with some Ikea stuff.
B. With hundreds of Doctor Who and The Last Jedi action figures – including the shit characters no one likes such as Cybershades and Rose Tico – which you talk about at length, like a creepy doll collector in a horror movie.

When you invite someone back to your place, what do you say to them?

A. “Would you like a glass of wine or a coffee?”
B. “Time to get out the banjo, methinks!”

Mostly As. Maybe you are just having a run of bad luck. Perhaps join the Guardian dating website, or order some pheromone spray off the internet, or both.

Mostly Bs. You need to stop flicking bogeys at the wall and leaving them stuck there, which is definitely not something Daniel Craig would do.