Government to spend £350 million a week on Brexit negotiations

THERESA May has pledged to spend £350m a week negotiating Britain’s exit from the EU.

The prime minister has emphasised the economic advantages to be gained from Brexit, and has promised to ‘spend, spend, spend’ to make them a reality.

May said: “The key to a successful negotiation is to play it cool. That’s why I have set up a Department for Brexit which will be based in a brand-new building made entirely of British materials, like fibreglass and tin.

“David Davis and his army of £5000-a-day lawyers will fly to Brussels in titanium helicopters to strike the best deals possible for this country.”

May also promised that as a cost-saving measure, all EU flags would be replaced by portraits of the Queen.

Brexit campaigner Roy Hobbs said: “It’s great news for Britain that we won’t be wasting our money on things like research and education and jobs.

“If I were prime minister, I’d erect a scale model of Brussels somewhere near Dover and set fire to it, to prove we’re a proper country that makes serious decisions.”

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FA says, ‘f**k it, what does it matter?’

THE Football Association has finally given up and appointed Sam Allardyce as England manager.

The new manager will be unveiled this morning in a Harvester off the M4 and will answer questions in between visits to the unlimited breakfast buffet.

It will be followed by a photo opp in the car park with him giving two thumbs up next to some massive wheelie bins.

FA chief executive Martin Glenn said: “He once helped me clear out a septic tank in my holiday cottage in Wales so I feel like I owe the bloke something.”

As well as a new manager, England unveiled the new official kit, which some observers have noted is their 2010 South Africa World Cup kit with the date altered with a Sharpie pen.

England fans have reacted angrily to the appointment, questioning the national side’s ambitions to win a major tournament before getting halfway through the first sentence and realising how ridiculous they sound.

Glenn added: “New era, exciting challenges ahead and so forth. I’m off for a slash.”