Home Office accidentally deports all Brexiters

AN administrative error means everyone who voted to leave the EU will be deported in a matter of weeks, it has emerged.

The Home Office mistake will result in all Leave voters being relocated to destinations as varied as Islamabad and Brussels.

A government spokesman said: “We can’t reverse the decision because all our staff are busy with half-baked Brexit plans from David Davis, which are usually just something scribbled on a Post-it.

“Leavers will just have to show some Blitz spirit and get used to life in Finland or wherever. They’ll be given help to relocate, such as a suitcase full of baked beans and cornflakes.”

Pensioner Roy Hobbs said: “I’ve got to move somewhere called Aruba, which sounds like some African hellhole to me. I bet you won’t even be able to get a frozen Bird’s Eye Traditional Beef Dinner.”

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Cats demand more corners and edges to rub their hairy faces on

BRITAIN’S cats have demanded more corners and edges for them to rub their hairy little cat faces against.

Cats signed a petition stating that all homes should have four sofas with soft corners for them to rub their faces on, plus at least two cardboard boxes for them to rub against and also to sit in for some reason.

Cat Julian Cook said: “I’m a cat, I like to rub my face on things, it’s as simple as that.

“And I like to sit in empty cardboard boxes too, like some sort of mad king in a cardboard castle.”

Other cat Nikki Hollis added: “We’re done with just having two corners on a couch, and the occasional fist made by our owners, to rub our faces on.

“We want a living room that looks like an MC Escher painting. Corners fucking everywhere.

“With a few cushions and throw overs thrown in obviously.”