A few years ago, Noel Edmonds came to see me backstage after an S-Club gig and told me I could be young forever if I would promise to serve him when the time was right. Naively, I agreed, and he gave me a mysterious bottle of something which tastes a bit like blood but keeps me looking 25. But now I’m in trouble, because he has returned and is demanding I do his bidding and slip some poison into the food I cook for Greg and John on next week’s episode of Masterchef. What should I do? I’ve got such lovely thighs.
You’re being blackmailed and so you need to do what the blackmailer is asking you to do or things will be very bad for you. The best defence against the evil blackmailer (aka your big sister) is to quietly get some information which will enable you to counter-blackmail and thus break their hold on you and ensure your parents never ever find out that you were the one who coloured in the dog’s whole head with a red sharpie.
Hope that helps,