Thursday, 25th February 2021

How to bolt the stable door a year after the horse has f**ked off, by Boris Johnson

A YEAR after declaring Covid ‘a serious and imminent threat to public health’, the UK is closing borders to certain countries, a bit. 

Here’s how I, as prime minister, like to act well after the fact:

F**k about

Given that we’re an island nation we had a real opportunity to stop Covid reaching us. However, unlike New Zealand, Japan or Jamaica, we let people come and go willy nilly indefinitely then sat about scratching our heads wondering why things had spun out of control.

Fail at everything

It’s not my fault test and trace didn’t work, is it? I’m just the prime minister who didn’t ask for this and is doing his best. Who put Dido Harding in charge, despite her track record? Didn’t Operation Moonshot work? No? What even was that?

Overpromise

I said it would be over in 12 weeks. Then by Christmas. Then I cancelled Christmas but not completely, so there was one day to spread Covid freely. And now look where we are. But you’ll all definitely be having lovely summer holidays, promise.

Threaten prison

When you finally decide to pull your finger out of your arse and introduce quarantine for travellers, add a lunatic Tory crowd pleasing strategy, like mandatory ten-year prison sentences. Completely out of proportion to the crime but our voter want to bring back hanging, so it’s a consolation.

Still balls it up

We’ve created a ‘red list’ of countries that people have to quarantine upon return from. But do we know where the next mutant strain is coming from? Could be anywhere. Whatever happens, know that we will be too late.