Saturday, 15th August 2020

How to rescue an older relative from the Brexit Party cult

HAVE your parents or grandparents become brainwashed followers of Nigel Farage? Cult deprogrammer Norman Steele explains how to stage an intervention.

Study cults

All cults begin as strangers unifying against injustice, and all cults end with fanatical worship of a charismatic leader. If your sixty-something parents both wish to marry Nigel Farage, now is the time to act.

Gather evidence

Cults demand their members give over all their money and worldly possessions, so check their bank statements for payments of £25 to join the Brexit Party. Other signs include subscriptions to publications like Albion: Economic Lion Unchained and bulk-buying golliwogs.

Kidnap them 

The most effective interventions involve isolating members from the cult. Lure older relatives into a shed or garage by saying you’ve got some old Midsomer Murders DVDs you’re getting rid of, then lock the door. Ideally done before the European elections.

Begin deprogramming

Expect strong resistance. Many older relatives will be so brainwashed by the Daily Express it will be hard to convince them that Liverpool, St Ives and Chester are not under Sharia law.

Show them love

Remind your older relatives there is a normal world outside Farage worship, and that if they didn’t know about the EU they’d find it hard to care about. Soon they’ll shift to just whining on endlessly about car insurance, wheelie bins and wasps.