How to rescue an older relative from the Brexit Party cult

HAVE your parents or grandparents become brainwashed followers of Nigel Farage? Cult deprogrammer Norman Steele explains how to stage an intervention.

Study cults

All cults begin as strangers unifying against injustice, and all cults end with fanatical worship of a charismatic leader. If your sixty-something parents both wish to marry Nigel Farage, now is the time to act.

Gather evidence

Cults demand their members give over all their money and worldly possessions, so check their bank statements for payments of £25 to join the Brexit Party. Other signs include subscriptions to publications like Albion: Economic Lion Unchained and bulk-buying golliwogs.

Kidnap them 

The most effective interventions involve isolating members from the cult. Lure older relatives into a shed or garage by saying you’ve got some old Midsomer Murders DVDs you’re getting rid of, then lock the door. Ideally done before the European elections.

Begin deprogramming

Expect strong resistance. Many older relatives will be so brainwashed by the Daily Express it will be hard to convince them that Liverpool, St Ives and Chester are not under Sharia law.

Show them love

Remind your older relatives there is a normal world outside Farage worship, and that if they didn’t know about the EU they’d find it hard to care about. Soon they’ll shift to just whining on endlessly about car insurance, wheelie bins and wasps.

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Google search confirms man has bubonic plague

A MAN with a slight cough has Googled his symptoms and convinced himself he is suffering from bubonic plague. 

Julian Cook is not sure where he managed to contract the disease, which killed 50 million people in the 14th century, but believes his internet searches prove it beyond doubt.

He said: “Suzy on reception thought it was tonsilitis. Andy reckoned it was a cold. Both wrong. It’s the Black Death.

“I’ve got all the symptoms – fever, chills, feeling extremely weak, no buboes yet, no bleeding yet, no gangrene yet, tired all the time. So-called ‘doctors’ can fuck off.

“The boss won’t let me go home which isn’t surprising. I’ve always said he was so lacking in empathy he’d have me in right up until I was collected on a cart and thrown into a big pit.”

Colleague Francesca Johnson said: “I did suggest that, not being a medieval peasant co-habiting with rats, plague might be unlikely. Later on I saw him Googling leprosy.”