What do Prince Archie's feet tell us about the future?

HARRY and Meghan have treated the public to a cherished glimpse of feet. But what does this astonishing photograph tell us about our destiny?

Key-rings in the shape of the royal feet will surpass rabbits’ feet as the talisman of choice. The Sussex child will bring good fortune to your next interview, court hearing or casual sex hook-up.

According to psychics the feet mean he will have a ‘fiery streak in his teenage years’. Not because his dad was a bit like that, or all teens are like that, but because of the way his little toenail sits. If he gets a verruca the world will end.

The image is like one of the Infinity Stones. When six parts of the baby have been posted on Instagram, half the universe will be destroyed by the Duchess of Cambridge.

There will be an immensely popular conspiracy theory suggesting the hand in the photo isn’t Meghan’s. Or is it? Either way, only a Grand High Ultra-Magician of the Illuminati would opt for white nail varnish.

The Daily Express will release a ‘This Little Piggy’ commemorative poster. Its readers will play the nursery rhyme game using Archie’s toes as Britain plunges ever deeper into catastrophic and permanent insanity.


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Liverpool allowed to carry their points over to next season

PREMIER League chiefs have agreed that as Liverpool did so well but still did not win they can carry their points over to the following season.

The club, which ended a period of sustained success 30 years ago, will begin next season with a 97-point head start over their rivals in the hope of making the league competitive.

A spokesman said: “Liverpool have tried ever so hard and their poor fans, whose bedrock belief that they are naturally superior to all other clubs has never wavered, really deserve this.

“We’ve asked City if they mind sharing the trophy but churlishly they’ve refused, like the brash, oil money brats they are, so instead we’re doing the right thing to ensure that Liverpool win next year.

“With almost a hundred point lead they’ll be able to still do things they enjoy, like losing to Crystal Palace, without it ruining everyone’s good time and allowing justice to be done.”

Liverpool fan Nathan Muir, who was raised in Wiltshire, said: “I began supporting Liverpool in 1985 because I thought it was guaranteed they would win everything. It’s not fair that they don’t.

“Other fans will make a fuss but really they know it’s right. Because we’re class.”