I only eat Wagon Wheels, says Miliband

ED Miliband has confirmed his shopping bill is only £80 a week because he just eats Wagon Wheels.

The Labour leader stressed that his wife and children have a normal, balanced diet, but he has eaten nothing but the large chocolate-covered marshmallow biscuits since 1987.

He added: “This keeps the weekly shopping bill down as I can get by quite happily on about £14 worth of Wagon Wheels. It’s a pound for a pack of six and I go through two packs a day.

“I have three with some milk in the morning, because breakfast is important. Then I put the other nine Wagon Wheels in a plastic shopping bag which I carry around all day so I can just help myself whenever I want. It’s good.”

Miliband said: “It’s a lovely biscuit and they are very big – much bigger than Penguins – which means I don’t waste valuable leadership time opening lots of wrappers. But mostly I just love the name. Wagon Wheels.

“My brother stole my cowboy hat when I was nine.”


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Audi TTs driven exclusively by people who can't really afford them

EVERYONE who owns an Audi TT is living slightly beyond their means, it has emerged.

A survey of TT drivers found that none of them could sensibly afford the German coupe, but their aspirational attitudes forced them to get one on some crippling finance deal.

Additionally, 98 per cent of TT drivers work in recruitment and all of them have made-up double-barelled names.

Audi TT owner Mary Fisher-Jones said: “I like to project an image of myself as an affluent go-getter, even if that means buying a car that will almost certainly get repossessed.

“This year I’m going on holiday to Dubai. I can’t really afford that either.”