I Will Now Memorise The Bible, Declares The Great Camerooni

IN a prodigious display of intellectual acrobatics, the likes of which is rarely seen outside the Orient, the Great Camerooni will memorise and recite the King James Bible from Genesis to Revelation.

England's most miraculous showman will take his terrifying and mesmerising spectacular on a tour of the Nation's seaside resorts, culminating in a three week run at the Scarborough Empire.

Granting a rare audience with The Daily Mashings and Haberdashers' Gazette, the Great Camerooni, said: "My gifts are truly mysterious. At times I feel they are my master.

"Little did I know when I sat at the feet of the Great Swami of Hyderabad that he would deliver me such a blessing and such a curse."

With his attempt to memorise and recite the entire Bible the Great Camerooni has thrown down the gauntlet to his great rival from the windy North, the Terrible Broon.

The dark and fearsome Scotsman thrilled London society this season with his astonishing ability to recall every line of Mr Lloyd George's Budget of 1909.

The Great Camerooni said: "Only a very few can truly understand the majesty of these gifts. And fewer still can hope to wrestle with this fascinating beast and use its power for good rather than evil.

"Of course, it does help enormously if one went to Eton."

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Brain Cleaning 'Next Big Thing' For Busy Profesionals

BUSY professionals can now get their brains cleaned at their desks under a new mind-valet service launched yesterday by Rentokil.

Mobile valeting units will visit offices around the country where they will gently saw the top off people's heads before applying the hand-held Brain-O-Matic 9000.

Disruption will be kept to a minimum, and it is expected that most office workers will be able to carry on performing their tasks for the 45 minutes that their brains are being cleaned, although they will be discouraged from having hot drinks.

Dr Henry Brubaker, pioneer of the new procedure, said brain cleaning was necessary because most office workers minds were now "clogged with shit" after reading the Daily Mail on the way into work.

He said: "Many of these people find it almost impossible to function because they are terrified of four completely different health scares, while at the same time despising Keira Knightley even though she is not an immigrant."

Dr Brubaker said the worst mind his team had encountered belonged to a 34 year-old marketing manager who read the Daily and Sunday Express.

He said: "Almost 90 per cent of the brain was clogged with thoughts about the murder of Princess Diana by Prince Phillip and MI6, while the rest was consumed with a gradually increasing hatred of Moroccans."