BRITISH children have stepped up their demands for television programmes they will be able to bore each other with at dinner parties.
As a debate begins on the future of children's television, the nation's youngsters say they are worried they will not be able to have hilarious conversations about the sexual inclinations of a wide range of animated characters.
Eight year-old Wayne Hayes from Stevenage said: "Teletubbies has some mileage because of all the freaky gay stuff and the insidious catchphrases, but it does not have the same sense of wonder you get with a Mr Ben or an Ivor the Engine."
He added: "I want to be able to chat-up vacant birds using my hilarious observations about the TV shows I'm watching now. I want my Captain Pugwash. I want my Mary, Mungo and Midge."
Media analyst Bill McKay said: "Our generation can have a genuinely interesting debate about the attractiveness of Valerie Singleton or Lesley Judd, whereas I think there is now universal agreement that Konnie Huq is a total pump."
He added: "Just last week I was at a dinner party where I was playfully reminiscing about The Clangers. I even did my famous impersonation of the Soup Dragon.
"I'll tell you what, I was this close to a threesome."
Roy Hobbs, a media analyst, said: "I was at the same dinner party and I did a fantastic impersonation of Idris the Dragon, but everyone seemed to be in a Clangers mood. Fuck Bill McKay."