I would show hotel maids my slides, pledges Brown

GORDON Brown has said that if he becomes head of the IMF the worst thing he would do to a hotel maid is make her incredibly bored.

Brown hopes to resurrect his chances of taking over the IMF after current head Dominique Strauss-Kahn was arrested for being a Frenchman in an enclosed public space.

Strauss-Kahn, who was also a potential challenger to President Nicolas Sarkozy, will have his DNA tested later today to determine exactly how French it is.

But police sources in New York said Strauss-Kahn’s belief that any woman would want to leap on board his naked, 62 year-old body suggests he may be comprehensively French.

Meanwhile the former prime minister insisted maids, butlers and other domestic staff would have nothing to fear stressing that not even Ed Balls had seen him naked.

He said: “If a maid came into my hotel room I would at least be wearing a pair of dark grey protestant long johns and my roll neck reading sweater.

“I would say a brief ‘hullo’ and if she was up for it I would then explain to her, using my slides, why bankers and not politicians were to blame for the financial crisis.

“If that does not make her cry then I might give her a half-hour potted biography of James Maxton, the great Glasgow socialist, before reciting from memory all of Raith Rovers results from 1987-88.

“A fascinating season that included five matches against Stenhousemuir.”

He added: “I would only pull-out post neo-classical endogenous growth theory if I felt the situation was becoming critical.”



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E-readers 'a threat to impressive-looking bookshelves'

ELECTRONIC reading devices are not as good as real books for making you look clever, it was claimed last night.

E-readers like Kindle are rapidly replacing traditional books, but unlike a shelf full of intimidating hardbacks about poetry, string theory and Russian actors who committed suicide, they can never make you look more intelligent than you really are.

Publisher Tom Logan said: “Compared to electronic devices, books have a physicality that is magical and timeless. Plus they can get you blow jobs.

“You go to a coffee shop with a Kindle, intellectual girls don’t know whether you’re reading Foucault’s Pendulum or playing Tetris.

“Tasteful books, especially big thick ones without pictures in, are vital indicators of your brainy sexiness.

“You don’t even have to read them, just leave them strewn around the public areas of your house in a seemingly haphazard fashion. It’s like having A Levels, but without doing all the essays and shit.”

The popularity of electronic reading also threatens the future of high street book shops full of wistful looking young women hoping to strike up a conversation with a sexy stranger who is terribly fond of Balzac.

Logan added: “And without bookshops, pale socially-awkward English Literature graduates will have to work in PR or public sanitation.

“Unable to write florid ‘staff reviews’ of Alan Moore comics and obscure paperbacks about Japanese sailors with two penises they would be forced to retreat from society altogether, possibly to create a diabolical and short-lived indie music sub-genre.

“Send your Kindle back to Amazon in a million tiny pieces.”