It's a right old pram-and-elbow, say West Ham fans

WEST Ham supporters have admitted that the entire season has been a proper roast tomato.

Despite captain Scott Parker being voted Johnny Large-Cheeks by the Football Writers’ Association, their 3-2 defeat to Wigan will see them playing in the Plum Cupcake league next season.

Footballogist Wayne Hayes said: “They’re generally incomprehensible apart from the racially-abusive epithets but from what I can gather the fans have found the whole thing to be a right pain in the Jude Law.

“They feel that the new owners failed to invest in a sufficiently brass elephant, did not give the old six-and-four-fifths a thorough cabbaging and now the club is elbows deep in the Coldplay.

“This could be a comment on the players, the stadium or the hotdog vendors but I was too terrified to ask for clarification.”

Grief counsellors are being rushed through a foundation course in Cocknese to field calls from distraught fans and the club has already instructed clubs in the Championship that, under the equalities act, their stadia will need signage written in both English and cheerfully aggressive rhyming gibberish.

Hayes said: “My experimental Cockney frequently points at photographs of the Jules Rimet trophy and then points at the crest on his West Ham harness, which we think indicates his connection between the England side and his own.

“There are certainly parallels between England and the current West Ham as both have been managed by a hapless foreigner and couldn’t beat a carpet.”

Slow punctured manager Avram Grant was fired after yesterday’s match but added: “I wish the club all the success they deserve and want the fans to know thatI think they’re all Mondeo-varnishing hedge strimmers.”



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Global warming real again

RECORD spring temperatures across the UK have raised concerns that global warming might be a real thing after all.

It follows a particularly harsh winter during which everyone said global warming was obviously a lot of rubbish.

But with the hottest April and May since the invention of records, environmentalists have reported an upsurge in interest in all that stuff they keep going on about.

Dr Martin Bishop, a climatologist at Reading University, said: “It was awful during the winter. The phone hardly went at all and when it did it was usually someone ringing up to shout at us.

“‘So where’s your global warming now?’ they would yell, before calling us ‘a right bunch of fannies’ and then slamming the phone down.

“Now they’re phoning up and saying ‘oh no, I’m all hot, can you tell me about the anthropogenic global warming please?’. And then they demand a free compost bin and a car sticker.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “I’m a big fan of evidence based policy making. It’s rational, reasonable and exactly the sort of thing you do if you’re not out of your bloody mind.

“But unfortunately humanity is still at the stage where people support evidence based policy making right up to the very point where it produces something they disagree with.

“Then they dust off their ideology and insist that evidence is no match for this amazing, fool-proof thing that they just make up as they go along.”

Dr Bishop added: “Of course, if there is more than six inches of snow this winter they’ll all be straight back on the phone with their dirty mouths.”