I've sent the letter but I haven't signed it, says petty little twat

THE spiteful little w*nker running the country has sent a letter to the EU asking for a Brexit extension but has sulkily refused to sign it. 

Boris Johnson, who at first folded his arms and turned away from the letter when it was brought to him by an aide, believes that by not signing it he has scored some kind of pathetic point.

A Downing Street source said: “Boris said ‘I’m not putting my pen on that. It’d make my pen dirty and I’d have to throw my pen away.’

“Then he said ‘I’m writing another letter, and it’s going to be better than that one. And everyone will pay attention to my proper letter and they’ll know that really I’ve won.’

“‘Don’t print that letter on the fancy paper. Just send a photocopy. And don’t fold it properly when you put it in the envelope. Make it all crooked.’

“He acted like it was a powerful act of statesmanship, but his lip was trembling and everyone was very careful around him because it was clear he was about to cry.”

European Council president Donald Tusk said: “We have received the letter requesting an extension. There was another piece of paper in with it that fell to the floor. It is still there.”

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Shattered new parents find energy to post entire birth album

A COUPLE who are absolutely shattered after having their first child nonetheless found time and energy to post a 188-photo birth album online. 

Francesca and Jamie Johnson battled through exhaustion to invite all their friends to view the album, which includes not just baby photos but shots of the couple in the birth pool and an arty over-the-shoulder shot capturing both of their best sides in a mirror.

Francesca said: “Nothing really prepares you for having a baby. All your preconceptions are blown away. And hopefully we’ve captured that in shots 162 to 185, which really deserve more likes.

“Our doula – she calls herself a midwife, it’s cute – was great at all the breathing stuff and all that but also really knew how to frame a shot. Which was important to us.

“She captured the moments, and the interiors, perfectly. So we’re getting complimented on the baby but also on our peacock-print feature wall. I’m so proud of them both.”

Husband Jamie said: “It’s been such an unbelievably busy time. I’ve barely even changed a nappy yet, because I’ve spent the last few days knee-deep in Photoshop.”