Monday, 25th May 2020

Jacob Rees-Mogg accepts the Colonies are lost

JACOB Rees-Mogg has shocked critics by reversing his long-held position that the Thirteen Colonies of the US must be retaken by Britain. 

Mogg, a figurehead for those who refuse to recognise the independence of the United States, told interviewers that he must allow his head to rule his heart and accept the colonies are gone, however much he disagrees with it.

He continued: “Let me be clear. The monarchy is divine, the revolution was a crime against God, and George Washington will spend eternity with Judas in the ninth circle of Hell.

“But there are times when the practical must take precedence over the moral and these so-called ‘Americans’ were Englishmen once and may yet have a core of decency.

“In our current struggle against the Papists and Huns of the Continent it is possible our former countrymen across the Atlantic could save us, if they load men and muskets into their swiftest galleons and the wind favours the just.”

Brexit supporter Joseph Turner said: “I knew Mogg would turn when offered the Earl of Morpeth’s daughter in marriage in return for his support.

“I don’t even believe there are lands to the west. Suck on that.”