Jacob Rees-Mogg accepts the Colonies are lost

JACOB Rees-Mogg has shocked critics by reversing his long-held position that the Thirteen Colonies of the US must be retaken by Britain. 

Mogg, a figurehead for those who refuse to recognise the independence of the United States, told interviewers that he must allow his head to rule his heart and accept the colonies are gone, however much he disagrees with it.

He continued: “Let me be clear. The monarchy is divine, the revolution was a crime against God, and George Washington will spend eternity with Judas in the ninth circle of Hell.

“But there are times when the practical must take precedence over the moral and these so-called ‘Americans’ were Englishmen once and may yet have a core of decency.

“In our current struggle against the Papists and Huns of the Continent it is possible our former countrymen across the Atlantic could save us, if they load men and muskets into their swiftest galleons and the wind favours the just.”

Brexit supporter Joseph Turner said: “I knew Mogg would turn when offered the Earl of Morpeth’s daughter in marriage in return for his support.

“I don’t even believe there are lands to the west. Suck on that.”

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26-year-old believes 'millennial burnout' is a real thing

A MILLENNIAL genuinely believes her generation suffers unique pressures causing them to burn out at an early age, she has revealed.

Jo Kramer believes that having a low-paying job, keeping healthy, political disagreements and renting a flat are a toxic cocktail of stresses no preceding age group has ever had to struggle with.

She said: “I’ve definitely got burnout. Some mornings I’m so anxious about work I just want to stay in my nice warm bed. You can’t tell me that’s normal.

“I’m totally swamped by the internet, what with Twitter, WhatsApp, Instagram, Tinder, email, Facebook and all the rest, and I can’t switch off from it because I have to check it every 90 seconds.

“There’s no way I can afford all the cool stuff and holidays the influencers have and that wrecks my self-esteem. Did anyone in the 1980s have that problem? Obviously not.

“Sometimes I can’t sleep for worrying I haven’t got enough couscous for lunch and I’ll have to buy a sandwich and then won’t have enough cash for a deposit because I’m in a negative property-sandwich-couscous feedback loop.”

Friend Emma Bradford said: “It’s bad, but it’s possible humans might have experienced equal stress during wars and famines and that. Was Dark Ages burnout a thing? Or was that just witches?”