Justine Miliband not allowed in the big kitchen

ED MILIBAND’S wife is banned from the proper kitchen where he cooks flamboyant gourmet meals, it has emerged.

The Labour leader’s wife is restricted to the small kitchenette in their north London home where she is allowed to microwave pasties.

A source close to the couple said: “Ed has an induction hob, Sabatier knives and copper core pans up there, and he goes mental if Justine touches any of it.

“Once she sneaked in to borrow some milk and he blew up at her like Gordon Ramsay on crack, screaming that she’d disturbed the marinade and his lamb chops were ‘utterly fucked’.

“And he eats it all himself. Justine and the kids have to make do with pasties, fish fingers and bags of Monster Munch.”

Ed Miliband said: “I take cooking very seriously and my kitchen is my special place. I came up with the idea of compulsory election debates in there while scaling a red mullet.

“If she goes in there again I will divorce her. I don’t care if it costs me the election, she will not touch my fish tongs.”

It was also revealed that Miliband has a third kitchen, which has a dirt floor and an open fire, and a fourth kitchen which is filled with exotic African meat.



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Everyone at Southeastern Railways claiming today is their first day

EVERY member of staff at Southeastern Railways only started today and so is, sadly, unable to help you.

The entirely new workforce explained to passengers that any queries about lateness, fares or last-minute changes of destination should be directed to an experienced member of staff and there are none.

Commuter Joseph Turner said: “Apparently everyone was sacked yesterday and replaced by people who resemble them but are definitely new and therefore don’t know anything.

“They don’t even know which tickets are valid on this service, which is why they’re having to charge everyone the £20 penalty or twice the full single fare.”

Southeastern employee Emma Bradford said: “It’s just easier this way.

“I mean, I absolutely genuinely know nothing, but if I tell someone I’ve been working here since 2007 they assume I’m lying instead of just bone idle.

“Don’t get me wrong. If I knew the answer to your question I’d tell you, but the odds against it are astronomical.

“Seriously, it’s a waste of my time and yours. Can I go now?”