Kevin Bacon To Teach Britain How To Dance

HOLLYWOOD superstar Kevin Bacon is to lead a dance rebellion against Gordon Brown after the Prime Minister called for a ban on rock'n'roll.

Mr Brown told the Labour conference in Bournemouth that loud, sexually rhythmic music was undermining the moral fabric of our community.

The Prime Minister said: "If our Lord wasn't testing us, how would you account for the proliferation, these days, of this obscene rock and roll music, with its gospel of easy sexuality and relaxed morality?"

But Kevin Bacon announced an immediate fightback and has already set up impromptu rock'n'roll dance classes at schools and sports centres across the South East and the Midlands.

Announcing a ban on popular music, 'gigs' and discos, Mr Brown said: "Besides the liquor and the drugs which always seem to accompany such events, the thing that distresses me even more is the spiritual corruption that can be involved."

He added: "This infernal cacophony is designed to confuse the mind and the body."

Kevin Bacon's support team will include Lori Singer, Sarah Jessica Parker and singer-songwriter Kenny Loggins.

The star of Flatliners will use his patented 'double-headphones' technique to give intensive one-on-one tuition to hundreds of clumsy farm boys.

"I'm sure that as soon as Kevin Bacon does something selfless and at the same time irresistibly charming, your Prime Minister will see the error of his ways," said Loggins.

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Brown Opts For Autumn Erection

PRIME Minister Gordon Brown has instructed senior aides to begin preparations for an erection on 25 October.

A series of positive opinion polls has convinced Brown to gamble on a snap erection, believing it will deliver a decisive mandate for the next phase of the New Labour project.

Labour insiders have confirmed the Prime Minister has ordered a full erection from 8-8.15am on the last Thursday in October.

A source said: "The big question is: now that we've made this pathetic joke, what are we going to do with it?

"Gordon's ingrained presbyterian work ethic means he is not the sort of man who would waste a perfectly good erection.

"He's currently inclined towards standing naked in front of the mirror while singing To Be a Pilgrim.

"Ed Balls wants him to video conference it with National Association of Head Teachers, while there are some who are suggesting we all go into the garden and watch Douglas Alexander hang things from it."

The source added: "I doubt he'd get away with anything heavier than a damp polo-shirt on a wire hanger, but Douglas is already practicing with a bicycle chain, some barbecue tongs and a bag of clementines.

"No chance. The tongs and the polo-shirt, maybe – but the Prime Minister would have to be incredibly erect."

Meanwhile the latest YouGov poll shows that public support for an autumn general election has peaked with three voters now suggesting that they might take an interest, depending on weather, traffic and the next series of Grey's Anatomy.