Labour conference to keep happening until somebody notices

THE Labour Party conference is to be repeated until more than a handful of people pay attention.

Following its conference in Manchester this week which was largely ignored in favour of real news, the event will happen again next week in Bournemouth and the following week in Liverpool.

Strategic adviser David Axelrod said: “Ed Miliband is like a tropical fish – in his own carefully-curated environment he’s magnificent, but out of it he just flaps around piteously.

“We will carry on, week by week, playing smaller and smaller venues like a reformed Britpop band.

“Eventually Ed will be screaming ‘backing families’ in the empty back room of a Maidenhead pub while a barmaid passive-aggressively stacks chairs onto tables.”

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Parallel universe Brian Coxes are cooler and more famous

THE Brian Cox of Earth-161 has confirmed that the multiverse is real and our Brian Cox is a loser.

Brian Cox-161, his universe’s most renowned physicist, proved the existence of an infinite number of Earths and developed a way of travelling between them.

Along with Brian Cox-928, who made his rave-pop group the most successful band since The Beatles, and the quantum-powered Brian Cox-555, they make up the Legion of Transreal Coxes which our Brian Cox has not been invited to join.

Brian Cox-707, who after killing Hitler rules his Earth as a benevolent technocratic dictator, said: “Seriously, a TV presenter?

“He could have been the greatest musical talent of his generation, he could have rewritten the laws of the universe, and instead he explains simple concepts to cod-eyed crisp munchers?

“We can’t have any respect for a Cox who, given access to the Large Hadron Collider, doesn’t turn himself into protons to surf the Hawking radiation of a black hole. He’s dead to us.”