Anything bends if you f**k about with it enough, says Apple

APPLE has admitted its new iPhone will bend if you are determined to bend it.

The company has been inundated with complaints from iPhone customers, but stressed it was impossible to make something that does not, ultimately, bend.

A spokesman said: “If you don’t want it to bend then don’t fucking sit on it. How’s about that?

“And, actually, if it didn’t bend then the screen might crack and you’d end up with tiny shards of glass up your back passage. That’s no picnic.”

The spokesman added: “Tell you what, shall we just put a sticker on the front that says ‘not for sitting on’? Would that help, you fucking idiots?”


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I am deeply attracted to golf

Dear Holly,

I’m just going to come out and say it: I am deeply attracted to golf and I have asked it to be my girlfriend. People might think I’m weird for attempting a relationship with an abstract concept, but let them scoff. Golf won’t keep asking me what I am thinking all the time, or try to enhance my wardrobe with more pastel colours, or leave clumps of hair on my razor. Instead of the usual headache I’m looking forward to uncomplicated outdoor stroke play for the forseeable future. Is this all fine?

Rory McIlroy


Dear Rory,

When I grow up I’m going to marry Elsa from Frozen. I don’t love her or anything, but I reckon if we were married I could borrow her pretty blue dress and get her to use her powers to do cool stuff like freeze my teacher’s eyes and mouth shut and turn the playground into an ice rink. Every night after school I’ll come home and Elsa will serve up Vienetta and mint Cornettos from her icy hostess trolley and we’ll stuff our faces whilst singing Let it go over and over and over again. And if my stupid big sister starts her moaning we’ll just freeze her angry spotty face and chip off her nose with a teaspoon.

Hope that helps,