Labour MPs To Rally Behind Unbearable, Screeching Hag

LABOUR backbenchers are preparing to ditch Gordon Brown and place their electoral fortunes in the hands of the most God-awful cow.

Harriet Harman is now convinced she can lead Labour to a recovery in the polls, despite being described as the sort of eye-gougingly dreadful harridan who makes you want to shoot yourself twice just to make sure.

According to Labour sources, the party's deputy leader has been interrupting conversations around Westminster all week to tell people: "this is my moment".

One senior backbencher said: "I was having a piss – a piss, mind you – and I feel this tap on my shoulder.

"I turn my head – still pissing – and there's Harriet, about half an inch away from my nose. She stares at me intently, whispers 'this is my moment' and then she's gone."

He added: "I think Harriet would be a terrific leader and those who dismiss her as a patronising, talentless bag of vomit who would lead the Labour Party out of existence, are only half right."

Harman is now taking soundings and ignoring all those who say they will move to Iran and urge it to launch a nuclear attack on Britain if she become prime minister.

Meanwhile foreign secretary David Miliband has denied launching a leadership bid after writing an article for the Guardian under the headline, "Fuck off back to Kirkcaldy, you psycho bastard".

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That Shrew Is So Fucking Hammered, Say Zoologists

YOU should have totally seen this shrew, it was out of its face, a team of zoologists claimed last night.

The scientists, from the Institute for Studies, discovered the tiny mammal in the West Malaysian rainforest as part of their worldwide research into animals that like a drink.

The pen-tailed tree shrew sips alcoholic nectar from exotic flowers, but also enjoys gin, vodka, Sweetheart Stout and mojitos.

Team leader, Professor Wayne Hayes, said: "We started off with a couple of G&Ts, just to loosen things up and then had a couple of pints. By the time we were on our third mojito the wee bastard was totally off his face.

"I said to Dave, I said, 'Dave! Check it out. This shrew is fuckin' hammered. I think he's trying to take a swing at me'.

"It then gave me a dirty look and wandered off into the undergrowth while Dave and I had yet another conversation about why I am not trying to shag his wife, who, by the way, is a fat bag and totally up for it.

"Anyway, the next morning we found the shrew fast asleep in a tiny little puddle of sick. It was adorable."

Professor Hayes added: "So far we've discovered a zebra that drinks like an Irishman and a badger with an insatiable thirst for Pinot Grigio. And then, of course, there was the schnapps monkey.

"We're now off to Thailand where we hope to discover how much Creme De Menthe you can pour into an elephant before it goes mental."