Labour To Focus On Selling Books

LABOUR is to shift its focus from governing the country to selling books, the prime minister will announce today.

Jim Callaghan now believes the party can best serve the country by writing and promoting tell-all memoirs from Labour's decade in power.

A Downing Street source said a series of Labour autobiographies could even boost the economy adding: "John Prescott got a massive advance for his book. He's bound to spend some of that money in the shops."

The source said: "We started planning this policy shift last year after Alistair Campbell got six figures for what turned out to be a pile of unremittingly dreary shit.

"This year's crop is a bit better. At least Lord Levy knows Alvin Stardust, while John Prescott was having it off with his secretary and shoving trifle down his trousers."

Chancellor Alistair Darling is already close to completing his autobiography entitled, It Was Like This When I Got Here, while justice secretary Jack Straw is working on The Hippy's Guide to Becoming a Warmongering Fascist.

Former deputy leader John Prescott is looking forward to a bonus cheque from the Sunday Times after he accused the prime minister of being a 'sulky, annoying prick'.

In her memoirs Cherie Blair accused Mr Callaghan of digging a secret tunnel into her husband's office so he could sneak in and pretend to be prime minister when everyone else was in bed.

Meanwhile Lord Levy promoted his book by hinting that Mr Callaghan may have known about the party's controversial loans. "The prime minister is a lying sack of shit," he told the BBC.

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Your Astrological Week Ahead

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

You're feeling pretty hot right now – and with good reason. Your house is on fire!

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

Distance yourself from all the crazy mess around you. Tell the bus driver it was the man sitting next to you who went off and that you are not going to clean up after someone else.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

You are experiencing a power surge that is actually a bit uncomfortable. But you paid that woman good money to attach those wires to your genitals, so just deal with it!

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Get your co-workers to fall into line without having to resort to brute force – show them your gun. The ‘Mr Stinky’ tag was only a joke was it? Dance, you bastards, dance!

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

You are feeling so full of great energy that you think you could pull off anything. What? Even a pig?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Things are so great between you and your girlfriend that you feel tempted to brag about it to all your mates. No point. They’ve all had her already! Bet they could tell you a thing or two.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

When someone upsets you, instead of burying your real emotions for the sake of politeness, bury them. Alive!

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Others less clued up than you are looking to you for the answers to some tough questions, so choose your words carefully. How about these: Go. Fuck. Yourselves. Losers.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

A cluttered home leads to a cluttered mind. Luckily you have been burgled

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

A good friend is hinting at something more than the usual camaraderie. Bringing sex into this relationship could lead to complications. Why not shag them and then get a new friend?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Generosity doesn't always involve handing over money. Ask your wife. She says it’s a long time since she last saw the top of your head.