Lansley to be paraded around Britain

ANDREW Lansley is to be toured across the nation as its officially-appointed hate sponge.

The haunted-looking Health Secretary has impressed the prime minister with his ability to divert furious ire away from other parts of the coalition, and will head a newly-created department as Minister of It’s All My Fault.

The scapeministry will assume responsibility for all key governmental atrocities, which a caged Lansley will in turn have to justify to a baying crowd.

Backbencher Denys Finch-Hatton said: “Andrew has shown absolute loyalty to the party and will happily serve as a lightning rod for murderous rage by being pelted with whatever people can still afford to fling at a cabinet minister these days.”

“He is absolutely right that sticks and stones may break his bones but he’ll soon find that having a mobility scooter bounced off the bridge of the nose can certainly make one’s eyes water, too.”

Lansley’s first assignment is touring around Scotland shouting out reasons why the Scottish are too feckless to look after themselves while frantically telling the driver of his truck to run red lights.

His cage will subsequently be placed outside a number of threatened local libraries, with Lansley telling patrons that they should open Amazon accounts ‘like normal people’.

Finch-Hatton said: “Andrew’s an ambitious chap and if this goes well, one day he could find himself ducking volleys of abuse during Prime Minister’s Questions while David Cameron shelters behind him, idly checking his emails.”





Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Drought 'could make Mancunians take off anoraks'

BRITAIN’S impending drought could force Mancunians to remove their anoraks for the first time since 1990.

The city of Manchester, famous for the music and belligerent wit of its inhabitants, enjoys torrential rain for 50 weeks of every year, spending the remaining fortnight bathed in mist and drizzle.

But the predicted long dry spell could see sunshine making its first appearance in Manchester this century, with thousands of North Face, Berghaus and Helly Hansen waterproof jackets discarded for the first time in their owners’ lives.

In 1990, the last year the rain stopped in Manchester, the Second Summer of Love that resulted saw terrifying fashions spread unchecked across the youth of the nation.

A & R executive Joseph Turner said: “Anoraks fell to the ground like leaves, anoraks that had been worn since before Ian Curtis died, and what lay underneath was an unimaginable atrocity.

“Tie-dye, paisley shirts, Joe Bloggs jeans so voluminous they could themselves accommodate a rave.

“Better the young people of Britain should die in another world war than once again wear wooden beads, smiley T-shirts and Kangol hats. Better we all die.”

The Stone Roses, who have reformed for three sold-out concerts in Manchester’s Heaton Park this summer, are planning to build an outdoor sprinkler system big enough to soak the entire 75,000 audience so as not to ruin the day.