ANDREW Lansley is to be toured across the nation as its officially-appointed hate sponge.
The haunted-looking Health Secretary has impressed the prime minister with his ability to divert furious ire away from other parts of the coalition, and will head a newly-created department as Minister of It’s All My Fault.
The scapeministry will assume responsibility for all key governmental atrocities, which a caged Lansley will in turn have to justify to a baying crowd.
Backbencher Denys Finch-Hatton said: “Andrew has shown absolute loyalty to the party and will happily serve as a lightning rod for murderous rage by being pelted with whatever people can still afford to fling at a cabinet minister these days.”
“He is absolutely right that sticks and stones may break his bones but he’ll soon find that having a mobility scooter bounced off the bridge of the nose can certainly make one’s eyes water, too.”
Lansley’s first assignment is touring around Scotland shouting out reasons why the Scottish are too feckless to look after themselves while frantically telling the driver of his truck to run red lights.
His cage will subsequently be placed outside a number of threatened local libraries, with Lansley telling patrons that they should open Amazon accounts ‘like normal people’.
Finch-Hatton said: “Andrew’s an ambitious chap and if this goes well, one day he could find himself ducking volleys of abuse during Prime Minister’s Questions while David Cameron shelters behind him, idly checking his emails.”