Lib Dems to be replaced by dysfunctional family from east end of Glasgow

THE Conservative are to form a new coalition with the MacPherson family from Glasgow’s notorious Easterhouse estate.

Prime minister David Cameron said he was keen to work with the MacPhersons as they currently had fewer people under criminal investigation or awaiting sentence than the Liberal Democrats.

He added: “When I asked the eldest son, Bobby, if he knew anything about his brother’s fondness for grabbing women’s breasts, he said ‘fuck aye, he’s at it all the time, the wee bastard’.

“I found his honesty refreshing, plus he’s got a guy who can get us all really cheap Adidas.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Love is patient. So stop fucking banging on about the washing up.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week you will learn that the singular of Sam Allardyce is Sam Allardie.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Okay, okay, so you invented instant spray-on suntan cream. No need to rub it in.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If he’s stalling over having kids, tell him you plan to put on four stone in the near future and whether than involves pregnancy is up to him.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
By the time of their fourth kid, Baby D’s parents had run out of names they liked.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After buying a pin cushion you now have really comfortable pins.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
If you think you have the skills and mindset to become a Royal Marine, for Christ’s sake join the army otherwise you’ll end up in prison.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It’s not unusual for a doctor to request a stool sample, but it’s generally considered bad form if they do it on a first date.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If one more person tries to introduce a cutesy portmanteau word on Twitter, they can twucking well go twuck on a fat twick.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
BBC producers call the police after you arrive for filming Flog It dressed in a PVC catsuit and ask where the punter is.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you’re caught shoplifting in Asda just tell the security guard an evil genius has implanted a remote-control bomb in your stomach and is forcing you to pinch stuff. Then go bastard mental. They won’t believe you but it’ll be a laugh.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you and your mates do a proper wicked version of the Harlem Shake and post it online. Like the bunch of blue-whale-size fannies you are.