British Gas to hire 1,000 trainee bastards

BRITISH Gas will take on 1,000 young people over the next three years and teach them how to be unremitting bastards.

Under fire for killing your grandmother for the eighth year in a row, the company said it wanted to contribute to the UK economy by giving unemployed youngsters the vital skills to grind this country’s face into the dust.

A spokesman said: “A successful company must always be thinking about its next generation of bastards.

“We want to train 1,000 young people to be able to go on television with a straight face and say that profit increases have nothing to do with price rises. And then wink at the camera.

“With the right training, perhaps one day one of these young people will reach such levels of bastardry that when they go to the TV studio, instead of answering questions, they will just beat the hell out of the interviewer and then urinate on them.

“If we’ve done our job properly they will then be escorted to a waiting limousine by the British Gas Police.”

The trainee programme has been welcomed by young people across the country, particularly unemployed graduates who have abandoned plans to be decent human beings.

Emma Bradford, a zoology graduate from Hatfield said: “I was hoping to work in a zoo, but now I want to be a sexy bastard for British Gas. I’ll wear my hair up and develop tariffs that can summon the devil.”

Wayne Hayes, a young person from Stevenage, added: “I want British Gas to teach me how to rip someone’s heart straight out of their chest, like that guy from Indiana Jones.”

The spokesman said: “That’s covered on day two.”

 

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Osborne reverses polarity of pound

GEORGE Osborne hopes to fix the economy by reversing the polarity of the pound.

Starting today, everyone must draw a minus sign on all their coins and bank notes.

Goods and services will be exchanged for the new ‘minus money’.  A pint of milk will cost -50p, a loaf of bread -£1.30 and so on.

The move has immediately converted all debt to credit.  Instead of a massive deficit, the government now has a trillion pound surplus.

George Osborne will celebrate by using some of the cash to buy everyone in the country “a bottle of really good wine”.

Roy Hobbs, chief analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin said: “Those dozen or so Britons who saved money and planned for their future now find themselves massively in debt.

“Simultaneously, people who had large amounts of debt are suddenly very rich. Consequently Greggs has raised its prices overnight, meaning a sausage roll now costs over -£12.

“They will also deliver nice wicker hampers stuffed with steak bakes.”

The Bank of England will shortly introduce official minus money banknotes.  Instead of national heroes like Charles Darwin and Elizabeth Fry, the new Negative Notes will feature Piers Morgan, Peaches Geldof and Ashley Cole.