BRITISH Gas will take on 1,000 young people over the next three years and teach them how to be unremitting bastards.
Under fire for killing your grandmother for the eighth year in a row, the company said it wanted to contribute to the UK economy by giving unemployed youngsters the vital skills to grind this country’s face into the dust.
A spokesman said: “A successful company must always be thinking about its next generation of bastards.
“We want to train 1,000 young people to be able to go on television with a straight face and say that profit increases have nothing to do with price rises. And then wink at the camera.
“With the right training, perhaps one day one of these young people will reach such levels of bastardry that when they go to the TV studio, instead of answering questions, they will just beat the hell out of the interviewer and then urinate on them.
“If we’ve done our job properly they will then be escorted to a waiting limousine by the British Gas Police.”
The trainee programme has been welcomed by young people across the country, particularly unemployed graduates who have abandoned plans to be decent human beings.
Emma Bradford, a zoology graduate from Hatfield said: “I was hoping to work in a zoo, but now I want to be a sexy bastard for British Gas. I’ll wear my hair up and develop tariffs that can summon the devil.”
Wayne Hayes, a young person from Stevenage, added: “I want British Gas to teach me how to rip someone’s heart straight out of their chest, like that guy from Indiana Jones.”
The spokesman said: “That’s covered on day two.”