The Mash Guide to Working From Home

THE boss of unfashionable internet company Yahoo has banned employees from working at home.

However many corporate leaders still hate their workers so much they will pay them to stay in their houses, rather than see their awful faces mooning around the office.

Working from home is a good situation – it’s almost like being free. Here’s how to do it:

Find your bare minimum and stick to it

Establish the least amount of work you can get away with per day and do not exceed it. For example, three emails and a colourful graph.

Do not forget that you have a job

24% of home workers can’t remember who they work for and what they are supposed to be doing.

Write your employer’s name and job title on a Post-It note and stick it to the wall above your computer – this is a vital reference tool.

Alternate internet and television

It’s easy to waste the day looking at Youtube clips of ghosts ‘caught on security camera’ and buying scarves. Every two hours, turn off the internet and turn on the television. Doctors is quite good, also Real Housewives of Orange County.

Perfect a ‘busy voice’

Working from home is all about self-justification, and key to this is pretending you’re busy. If anyone rings up, tell them you’re ‘up against it’ and ‘flat out’ in a deep, serious voice.

Work in intense bursts lasting 45 seconds

You can get more done in a sharp burst of under one minute than in a whole day spent in the office. For example, open a Word document in a really intense way. Then go and do something else.

Masturbation is part of your workflow

It’s inevitable that you will stimulate your genitals during the day, so incorporate this into a rewards system. For example, if you think ‘that was a good Skype conference’, allow yourself a bout of masturbation. Generally however wait until you are off the phone.

If anyone tries to stop you working from home, mutter about ‘productivity’ and ‘creativity’

Sooner or later people will realise you’re dicking about. Fight your corner in true corporate style by looking upset, putting on a pathetic, whiny voice and saying some things that don’t make sense.



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Waitrose shoppers pretending not to like Pippa Middleton

MIDDLE class people are frantically pretending they don’t admire Pippa Middleton, after the quasi-royal joined Waitrose magazine.

38-year-old architect Mary Fisher said: “This is a ridiculous piece of celebrity endorsement that frankly tarnishes the Waitrose brand.

“Whatever next? Jordan? We are intelligent people, not bovine ITV2 fans.”

However Fisher was later overheard phoning all her friends to say that she had baked some cakes ‘just like Pippa’s’ which were ‘fit for royalty’.