Stalemate over Italian 'government'

ITALY faces a stalemate over forming what it reckons is a ‘government’. 

After the general election finished almost neck and neck, experts said the country could face weeks of delay before someone ‘takes charge’.

The stalemate caused stock markets and the Euro to fall as if a change in the government of Italy has ever made the slightest difference to anything.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “The market moves if someone takes too long on the bog.

“The only substantive economic issue is whether the new prime minister has a Tuscan villa filled with naked women on swings.”

Martin Bishop, a eurobond trader at Madeley-Finnegan, added: “The idea of Italy having a ‘government’ is like giving a screwdriver to the colour blue.

“We should leave them alone to not get on with it in any way whatsoever. As they say in Italy, ‘if ain’t broke, bribe someone to break it’.”

Meanwhile, right wing leader Silvio Berlusconi is attempting organise a coalition at his house at 11pm on Saturday and everyone has to bring a blindfold and go home with someone else’s wife.




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Early Kipling poem 'Big Knockers' discovered

BREAST-THEMED poetry by the teenage Rudyard Kipling has been unearthed in a Manhattan home.

Poetry critic Emma Bradford said: “Pubescent boys of Kipling’s era were highly repressed and wrote breast poetry as a means of releasing their exuberance.

“The main themes are typically bouncing and jiggling.”

The poem ‘Big Knockers’ opens: “Cor, look at them/Big knockers/Heaving fruits of love/They shall be emblazoned on my mind’s eye/Until bedtime.”