Lib Dems Unveil 'Panto Stars For A Federal Britain'

THE Liberal Democrats received an election boost today as the greats of Scottish pantomime threw their weight behind slightly more powers for the Holyrood Parliament.

Party leader Nicol Stephen unveiled a list of more than five panto stars who were aware of the Lib Dem policy and were willing to say so.

"This is a tremendous endorsement for our strategy of telling people what's in our manifesto and hoping they are paying attention.

"These are the pantomime stars who built modern Scotland. Oh yes they are. Oh no they're not? Oh Yes They Are."

Stephen added: "Do you want to know where the Lib Dems are? They're behind you."

Allan Stewart, who has been slowly transforming into Widow Twankey since the mid 1980s, said: "The Lib Dems make me laugh and what's more important than that? Ross Finnie is such a jolly wee chap. Quite irresistible."

Andy Gray, who triumphed as Hamish McFly in the 2005 Edinburgh production of Mother Goose, said: "The Lib Dems posted me their manifesto last week. I thought it was very well designed and the words were very easy to read. I certainly understood what they were saying."

Gerard Kelly, star of Cinderella at the Pavilion Theatre since 1923, said: "Alex Salmond is not Buttons. I am Buttons."

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Disabled Identity Thieves Get NHS Help Dogs

DISABLED identity thieves are to get assistance dogs on the NHS to help them lead more independent criminal lives, The Daily Mash can reveal. 

Identity theft has proved a big hit with wheelchair bound thieves as the vast majority of the criminality can be done over the internet and from home.

However, some disabled fraudsters still have difficulties in getting out to the cash-point to empty their victim's bank accounts of funds, which is where the specially trained canine miscreants, or “delinquent dogs”, come in.

Sue Townend, of the National Criminal Canine League, said the dogs' skill at fraudulent cash machine use was a vital lifeline for disabled criminals.

“Why should someone be denied the chance to live a full and active life of crime just because they have different physical capabilities than others? Disabled people are sick of being stereotyped as criminal masterminds, stuck back at the office dreaming up blags while stroking a big white cat. They want to go out robbing just like anyone else.”

Roger Morton, a full-time cat burglar until he injured himself while attempting a job on the 13th floor of a block of high-rise flats, said he was enjoying a whole new lease of lawlessness since he was introduced to his criminal canine companion Ronnie.

He said: “After my accident I was very depressed. I thought my days as a crook were over and I was resigned to having to go straight and live off benefits like everyone else in Glasgow.

“But then I heard about these delinquent dogs. I got in touch with the charity that trains them, and before you know it Ronnie was here, and I was back pilfering, with the dog helping me collect my ill-gotten gains.

“Ronnie is a very special dog. Not only is he my partner in crime but he is also my best friend. I really don’t know what I would do if he got arrested. Most likely say I had never seen him before and then get another one.”

Morton said Ronnie was a lovely natured dog and a great thief. “He’s just perfect. He’s a golden retriever and no one would suspect a posh dog like that of being on the rob.

“They offered me a Jack Russell or a lurcher first, the twats. You might as well put a stripey jumper and a mask on the hound and send him down the high street with a bag marked swag. What were they thinking?”