Halfwits To Be Banned From Using The Phone

HALFWITS, cretins and morons are to be denied access to the telephone system as part of a government crackdown on TV quizzes.

Is it Robert Mugabe? Hello?

Home Secretary John Reid is to introduce emergency legislation which will ban anyone deemed to be an imbecile from even picking up a handset.

Television companies are currently raking in more than £17 billion a year from Britain's 28 million idiots through quizzes that would fail to test the intellectual capacity of a goose.

A typical TV quiz scam will involve an easy question such as:What was Queen Victoria's first name?

Was it? (a) Queen (b) Victoria or (c) Robert Mugabe.

Viewers then phone in and wait on the line for two hours at £7.50 a minute before being cut off. Just before the line goes dead, callers can hear the bellowing laughter of the company executives.

Under the new law anyone phoning a quizline will be disconnected immediately and will not be allowed access to a telephone until they have read at least one book by Stephen Fry.