HALFWITS, cretins and morons are to be denied access to the telephone system as part of a government crackdown on TV quizzes.
Home Secretary John Reid is to introduce emergency legislation which will ban anyone deemed to be an imbecile from even picking up a handset.
Television companies are currently raking in more than £17 billion a year from Britain's 28 million idiots through quizzes that would fail to test the intellectual capacity of a goose.
A typical TV quiz scam will involve an easy question such as:What was Queen Victoria's first name?
Was it? (a) Queen (b) Victoria or (c) Robert Mugabe.
Viewers then phone in and wait on the line for two hours at £7.50 a minute before being cut off. Just before the line goes dead, callers can hear the bellowing laughter of the company executives.
Under the new law anyone phoning a quizline will be disconnected immediately and will not be allowed access to a telephone until they have read at least one book by Stephen Fry.