May still prime minister for some f**king reason

THERESA May is still the prime minister of the United Kingdom and no-one has the faintest idea why, it has been confirmed.

Downing Street issued a statement stressing Mrs May remains in office and was then forced to repeat it nine times.

David Liddington, Mrs May’s de facto deputy, said: “You’ve got to be kidding me? I just assumed she’d have fucked off by now. That is a puzzler.”

Meanwhile, experts said the fact Mrs May is still prime minister was testing the limits of scientific possibility.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “If this is actually true then teleportation and light speed travel are no longer just theoretically feasible they are incredibly likely.

“It’s so difficult to take in that, as with the moon landing, conspiracy freaks will insist the whole thing has been faked.

“People will soon be claiming that not only is she not the prime minister, but never has been.

“They may well be right.”

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Man quits job to give guided tours of his tattoos

A TATTOOED man has found the world so fascinated with his various tattoos that he is to make a living running tours of them. 

Martin Bishop, who has tattoos on 65 per cent of his body, says that strangers are so captivated by his ink they find it impossible to talk about anything else.

He continued: “I usually open the conversation when they stare at my neck tats, then I’ll end up talking them through the chest piece, the arms, the tribute to my granny I made out of that bitch Linda’s name.

“You’ve got culture with all the Bonds, you’ve got history with the various England crests, you’ve got geography with the tribals on my leg from when I was 16.

“Everyone’s always wide-eyed with enjoyment, so I’m jacking in the delivery van and I’m selling tickets. It’s good value. £20 for four hours.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “I only have one question. Why?”