May to tour UK telling everyone to shut the f**k up

THERESA May is to spend the next fortnight telling as many people as possible to just shut it.

The prime minister has postponed the triggering of Article 50 to the end of the month in order to meet voters whose views are ‘pointless and annoying’.

She said: “Sometimes, politics needs the personal touch.

“People are still questioning my approach to Brexit, even though I’ve said repeatedly that it’s fine. They clearly need to be told to shut the fuck up, one-to-one and face-to-face.

“Manchester? Shut your greasy pieholes. Glasgow? Pipe down and crawl back in your bottle. Cardiff? Nobody’s listening, you complete tools.”

She added: “Button your lip, back Brexit and unite behind me with the silence of a well-ordered classroom whose faith in their teacher is absolute.

“Not one fucking word.”

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Toddler first to admit parents went too far with birthday party

A TWO-year-old has confirmed that her magic unicorn birthday party was a bit much.

To celebrate her 24 months of existence, Millie Thomson’s parents hired a miniature bouncy castle, a pony wearing a horn and an out-of-work actress pretending to be a princess.

The Thomsons also spent three days making a menagerie of creatures from vegetables and creating ‘magic rainbow punch’ from home-squeezed organic fruits and sparkling mineral water.

Millie said: “They got all the adults to dress up as magic creatures too. It was hellish. Mum was slagging off Auntie Sarah for not making enough effort because she wore a t-shirt with a unicorn on it, but all power to her, I say.”

Despite the preparation, the most memorable part of the event was when family sheepdog Snuffles, also dressed as a unicorn, jumped onto the bouncy castle, sparking a lifelong fear of dogs in several infants.

All social media discussion about the occasion has been glowing, except for Auntie Sarah’s reference to the dog incident, which has seen her blacklisted from family events for the foreseeable future.