May to tour UK telling everyone to shut the f**k up

THERESA May is to spend the next fortnight telling as many people as possible to just shut it.

The prime minister has postponed the triggering of Article 50 to the end of the month in order to meet voters whose views are ‘pointless and annoying’.

She said: “Sometimes, politics needs the personal touch.

“People are still questioning my approach to Brexit, even though I’ve said repeatedly that it’s fine. They clearly need to be told to shut the fuck up, one-to-one and face-to-face.

“Manchester? Shut your greasy pieholes. Glasgow? Pipe down and crawl back in your bottle. Cardiff? Nobody’s listening, you complete tools.”

She added: “Button your lip, back Brexit and unite behind me with the silence of a well-ordered classroom whose faith in their teacher is absolute.

“Not one fucking word.”