Britain begs for even earlier election

THE public has urged the prime minister to call an even earlier election, like next Tuesday, so this bullshit can end. 

The nation has united in agreement that June 8th is nowhere near soon enough and they are ready to cast their votes next week, however catastrophic the result.

Labour supporter Eleanor Shaw said: “The government I despise will be given the legitimacy of a huge majority, the party I love will be destroyed perhaps forever, and I still say bring it on.

“I can’t bear the headlines. I can’t bear the thinkpieces. I can’t bear my own hectoring posts on social media which will not change the mind of one single person.

“End the misery. The outcome is pre-ordained. Kill me now.”

Plumber Tom Logan agreed: “Theresa, don’t force us to go through the motions until we’re repeating ‘strong and chaos and coalition and stable’ robotically along with you.

“Call a really snap election. The next ten minutes is fine. The next 30 seconds wouldn’t be too soon.

“Say we’ve already had it and you’ve won if you want. We promise we won’t argue.”

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Fat, balding office manager believes we need a good war

A GOOD solid war would do away with many of the ills of modern society, according to an 55-year-old office manager who weighs 18 stone. 

Martin Bishop, who is red-faced and sweating after walking from the car park, believes that millenials ‘don’t know they’re born’ and need the ‘bloody wake-up call’ that armed conflict could provide.

He continued: “Young people nowadays. Complaining they’ll never be able to afford to buy a house, and yet they’ve always got enough money to spend on iPhones and ‘brunch’.

“What they need is a good stint on the frontlines, teach them what life’s really about. They wouldn’t whine about unpaid internships when they were being mortared.

“When I was their age we were fighting in the Falklands. Not me personally, but I own a lot of books about it so I know all too well what it was like. What we suffered.”

Colleage Steve Malley, aged 22, said: “Initially I was against it. But at this stage I’d take a war if it meant I wouldn’t end up like Martin.”