Miliband touching cloth

FALLING unemployment and signs of economic recovery have left Ed Miliband dangerously close to self-befoulment.

Experts said the faint signals of optimism could destroy the Labour leader’s strategy of hoping you are still poor and frightened come May 2015.

Julian Cook, professor of political underwear at Roehampton University, said: “If you look closely at Miliband you’ll see that his smile is wonderfully desperate and that his eyeballs are sweating.

“Also, you’ll notice that he’s sitting in his chair in a slightly contorted way in the hope it will buy him an extra 15 minutes.

“This is a man who needs to go to the lavatory immediately.”

A Labour source said: “Not good, not good, not good, not good.

“If we’re pledging to spend the same as the Tories, cap welfare the same as the Tories and the economy is recovering then people are going to start asking what difference we would make. That would be a disaster.

“Everyone’s going to assume that we’ll dick about with health and education so that’s fucking useless.

“And I haven’t worked out how many seats south of Birmingham we would win by refusing to hold an EU referendum, but I’m pretty sure it’s at least minus 20.”

The source added: “We need to come up with something original. What about super-gay marriage?”

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Parents find their children equally unfavourable

PARENTS have denied having a ‘favourite’ child, claiming to find all their offspring equally hard to tolerate.

New research has claimed that a third of parents favour one of their children, prompting child owners to deny being particularly keen on any of the little shits.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “My youngest likes to do murals on the living room wall using faeces and Ribena, which is remarkably rank.

“But her ten-year-old brother chases the cat with a fork and calls me ‘witch face’.

“Sometimes I must admit that one gets on my tits more than the other, but you can’t treat them like that because you’ll screw them up.

“In my eyes they are both little gobshites, with their own unique annoying qualities.”

Father-of-three Roy Hobbs said: “To me they’re just big three-headed nightmares, like a tiny hydra that pukes a lot and fights itself.”