MPs Claim Expenses For Getting Caught At Being Whores

FOUR Labour MPs have claimed expenses for getting caught offering to peddle their influence to the highest bidder like common whores.

Stephen Byers, Patricia Hewitt, Geoff Hoon and Margaret Moran have all submitted claims for around £3000 each, covering the cost of answering the phone to journalists and a new wide screen television so they can watch themselves getting caught, as well as the customary selection of luxurious bath products and emergency double glazing.

Byers, who was caught on film during a sting operation, said that he was 'a bit like seaside donkey waiting to be ridden', while Hewitt told the undercover reporters that she did 'happy endings but no kissing'.

The former defence secretary Geoff Hoon told the reporters that he still could not believe that other people were willing to pay him to do things given the fact that he is 'after all, incredibly Geoff Hoon'.

Former transport secretary Byers claimed he controlled a network of invisible spies inside his old ministry and could make all the planes fall out of the sky at the same time; former health secretary Hewitt told a paracetamol company she could make everyone's headaches last longer, while Luton MP Moran claimed she could 'probably dig out the switchboard number of the department of trade and industry, or whatever it's called these days'.

The scandal could damage Labour's election campaign by undermining the party's hard-won reputation as wise and principled public servants who have always put the country before their own political or financial interests.

Meanwhile a Downing Street source said the fact that the three former ministers at the centre of the scandal are all high profile critics of the prime minister was 'obviously nothing more than a coincidence, if you believe in that sort of thing'.

The source added: "And if anyone else wants to make trouble I'm sure we could coincidence the fuck out of them as well."


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B&bs Forced To Offer Gay Breakfast

BRITAIN'S B&Bs could soon be prosecuted for discrimination unless they offer customers the choice of a gay cooked breakfast.

Ministers want to extend the current legislation that requires all hotels and guest houses to ensure the availability of at least two gay beds at all times or at least one very large one.

Sources say B&Bs will be in breach of the law unless they offer gay eggs, same sex tomatoes and a spoonful of beans arranged in the shape of Toto from The Wizard of Oz.

The move comes just days after a couple were refused a gay breakfast at a guest house in Berkshire.

Bill McKay, a same sex man from Cambridge, said: "I simply asked for a whole black pudding – preferably at least eight inches long – and an extra packet of butter.

"This horrid old woman looked at me like I was Adolf Eichmann and said she was going to phone the police. I immediately chased after her shouting that I was going to phone the police and then we both stood in the hall, on the phone to different policemen, giving each other really dirty looks."

A senior Whitehall source said: "When it comes to the sexual orientation of a cooked breakfast the law is not on anyone's side so we decided to make a new one that would be on someone's side. And we chose the gay side because B&Bs tend to be owned by the sort of people who don't like Harriet Harman."

Guest house owner Margaret Gerving said: "I experimented with muesli in the 1980s and the place was soon filled to the rafters with homosexuals, many of whom may have been gay."

She added: "These are my breakfast plates and I don't see why I should be forced to cover them with dirty Satan mushrooms and oddly shaped bacon that chose to be that way.

"And I can't sleep at night thinking about the kind of juice they'll make me serve."

Tom Logan, professor of overnight accommodation politics at Reading University, said: "It is a pain to have to check if it's okay to sleep bottom to bottom with another human being, but unfortunately some bed and breakfasts are run by little old ladies who go to church, volunteer at a local charity shop and have never had all their friends round to drink daquiris and watch the Queer as Folk box set.

"And while she may be a shrivelled old bigot, filled with stupid fear, when she says that it's her house, she does have a fairly large, throbbing point."