No more sex if we leave EU, warns Osborne

LEAVING the EU will prevent Britons from ever having sex again, George Osborne has warned.

The chancellor says his own research proves Brexit will make everyone so worried about the economy they will completely lose interest in sexual intercourse.

Osborne said: “The economic uncertainty will be so stressful that all British men will immediately become impotent. The effect will be permanent.

“Women will find it impossible to get in the mood because they’ll be worrying about renegotiating trade tariffs. Also the French will have cut off our supply of sexy lingerie so they’ll all have to wear massive Primark pants.

“In any case the economy will be in such trouble you won’t be able to afford food, so you’ll be too weak for anything except very light petting.”

Eleanor Shaw, from Swindon, said: “What about bawdy sex jokes, like laughing at carrots that look like penises, especially when arranged with two tomatoes.

“Surely nothing can take that away from us?”

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Beyonce announces collaboration with Greggs

BEYONCE is working with Greggs on a range of pasties designed to empower women of all shapes and pasty-eating abilities.

The Bey-ked Goods: The Dream pasty range includes The Porkylicious, with BBQ pork and pineapple, and Single Lady, a vegetarian option containing viscous sludge and peas.

A Greggs spokesman said: “Beyonce came to us with a very clear vision and worked closely with us to create the greasiest pastry ever seen in our stores. 

“These pasties and pies are for active, confident women who want to chomp down on some all-butter pastry on-the-go. They’re badasses who aren’t afraid to arrive at a high stakes business meeting with some pie grease on their trousers or crumbs in their hair.”

Beyonce said: “When I was growing up, my father would wake me up every morning with a tray of pasties.

“The pasties became a state of mind. The pasties gave me my strength. The pasties are what made me who I am.

“Sometimes I rub a Steak Bake on my face instead of applying foundation, it gives me a natural oily glow.”