Gallery visit sparks lifelong hatred of culture

A TEENAGER has vowed to shun anything of artistic value for the rest of his life.

After a trip to the National Gallery yesterday which he claimed lasted 17 hours, 13-year-old Nathan Muir will dedicate his life to unrelenting philistinism.

Muir said: “I could hear mum whispering to dad that it was important for me to be exposed to art at an early age, little realising I was already planning my career in finance as revenge.

“I made a point of saying ‘wow, that’s incredible’ at one point but that was when I saw the profit they were making in the café on a can of coke.”

Muir’s parents were encouraged by his Lego-building abilities at an early age without realising their six-year-old son was attempting to build a replica of Price Waterhouse Cooper’s head office in London.

Muir added: “If they drag my arse to the ballet, I’m going to become an Ellie Goulding fan to teach them a lesson.”

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Aston Villa relegated to rugby

ASTON Villa is now a rugby club after being demoted from football.

Defeat against Manchester United ensured Villa would be playing rugby next season, and the club confirmed that they will begin learning the rules of the sport with immediate effect.

Caretaker manager Eric Black said: “Most of our players have never seen an oval ball before and I fear for them in the scrum next season against players who are around 10 stone heavier and infinitely more aggressive.

“There will be a lot of differences from rugby to football. For instance you only play 80 minutes and you can’t pass forwards.

“Actually come to think of it, that’s not too different for us.”

After one of the bleakest seasons in Aston Villa history, some supporters are ready to welcome rugby to Villa Park.

Fan Norman Steele said: “As a season ticket holder I’m looking forward to watching the Villa players get beaten senseless by seven-foot neanderthals. I’m just hoping that we don’t get relegated to cricket.”