No-One To Phone A Radio Show Ever Again

PEOPLE across Britain last night agreed never to phone a radio show ever again in case Gordon Brown decides to visit them.

Officials said there was an immediate danger of a prime ministerial visit if they spoke to him on a radio show, but also warned Mr Brown could simply be listening to the radio, hear someone he likes the sound of and then call them up and ask if they would like to be his friend.

The alarm was raised after the prime minister spoke to members of the public on a phone-in show on BBC Yorkshire before appearing unannounced at a shop in Leeds with a box of luxury biscuits and two tickets to Jersey Boys.

Greengrocer Bill McKay said: "My wife phoned the show to ask Mr Brown what he was doing to help small businesses. Two hours later the fucker's standing in front of me asking me what my hobbies are.

"He was so boring and pathetic and I kept trying to get rid of him. Eventually I had to pretend it was early closing and I had an appointment to get my legs waxed. Anyway, we're going to see Jersey Boys with him next weekend."

Mr Brown spoke to Mr McKay for an hour insisting the government was increasing public spending by 15,000% a year for the next 2000 years, while the Downing Street psychiatrist stood behind him shaking his head and mouthing, 'just ignore him, I'll deal with it later'.

Mr Brown also tried to strike up a conversation with butcher Stephen Malley. Mr Malley said: "I was like 'no way, I'm not having this', and he was like 'what are your hobbies?', and I was like 'out – now'."

A Downing Street spokesman said: "With Peter Mandelson doing the actual governing the prime minister is now able to spend a lot more time with his friends. Which creates an obvious problem.

"If he can't find any friends via the radio I suspect he'll just start phoning up some of the exhibits from the Jeremy Kyle Show and offering to help turn their lives around.  But you know what they're like, they'll just take advantage of him. It's all so terribly sad."

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Furious Russell T Davies Threatens To Turn BBC Gaylien

TORCHWOOD creator Russell T Davies has reacted angrily to cuts in the series by threatening to turn the BBC's entire TV output into a same-sex inter-galactic love-in.

Davies warned he and his army of hyper-camp android production assistants would wrest control of Broadcasting House and unleash a menagerie of polysexual extraterrestrials onto existing programmes.

He said: "I'm talking about creatures like the Gayoid, a big pink cloud from the star system Gay Minor, that will bum Huw Edwards as he tries to read the news.

"Mind-controlling gay space slugs will be released onto the set of Eastenders. One will attach itself to Phil Mitchell's spine, causing him to close down the garage and set up an interior design consultancy, which will really tit up their story arcs.

"Finally, lesbian time lizards will eat and assimilate Fiona Bruce, becoming hosts of Antiques Roadshow and doing slippery sapphic space shenanigans with Henry Sandon's collection of rare clay pipes.

"Those gaylien-hating commissioners will rue the day they cut the series length of South Wales's leading sexually-ambiguous science fiction show."

The writer/producer refused to be drawn on rumours that he is planning a 'nuclear option' if BBC bosses do not acquiesce to his demands for a full twelve-part Torchwood series: a live broadcast of Annie Get Your Gun starring John Barrowman and a cast of cowboy-hatted cybermen that, if transmitted, will release a blast of cosmic gayness so intense that viewers' eyeballs will burst and leak pink fluid.

He added: "'I haven't yet decided if or when The Barrowman will enter play. He's currently chained but ready."