'Nobody’s in charge, do what you f**king like'

Yesterday, I handed in my notice as Conservative leader. Some of you have wondered what this means. Simply, nobody is in charge and you can do whatever you fucking want. 

All laws are suspended until further notice. The police have been disbanded. Sterling is no longer legal tender. It is all up to you.

My speechwriters advise me here I should mention something called The Purge, a series of films with a bodycount apparently almost that of Midsomer Murders. I have been very clear in doing so.

Some will say I am still acting prime minister. To which I reply I have no authority, no party, no mandate to govern. I will do nothing because I cannot.

This country which I love, already given free reign to its worst instincts ie the Brexit Party, now has licence to do what you threaten to each other online on the streets. Nobody will stop you.

I expect the Conservative party, and its supporters, to succeed and united in the coming months of utter chaos. Our next leader will be forged in the blood of the truly free market.

Laws will once again be enforced from July 11th, when a new prime minister is appointed. But survivors should look at this time as an opportunity. It will be much, much worse than this after no-deal Brexit.

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Mum baffled as to why she has to watch so much shit children's sport

A MUM can see no valid reason for spending a huge part of her life watching small children’s totally inconsequential sporting events.

Due to having three children, Donna Sheridan finds herself watching a wide range of sports she is not interested in played by kids who are spectacularly shit at them.

She said: “Whenever my seven-year-old Jack plays football I feel I have to hang around aimlessly and cheer him on half-heartedly as if anyone gives a toss who wins.

“It would be great if he went on to play in the Premier League, but it’s not going to happen. Even if he had a shred of talent – which his regular own goals suggest he doesn’t – the odds are stacked against it. So why am I here again?

“My daughter Tanya is on her primary school netball team, so that’s another borefest of extremely amateurish sport. My other daughter Millie is into swimming, or as I see it, wasting my precious life.

“I must have done something terrible in a previous life to deserve this. My only hope is that I can encourage them to take up less boring sports, like cage fighting.

“It might seem harsh to expose your children to violence, but considering the suffering I’ve experienced watching countless tedious primary school clashes it seems pretty fair.”