Five ways to breastfeed in public if you really must

UNLESS you’re a model, pop star or on Love Island, breastfeeding in public is often frowned upon. Follow these rules to protect the population from a hideous glimpse of breast.

Train your baby to ask for milk at appropriate times

Teach your new baby only to ask for milk in the privacy of your own home, preferably when all the curtains are closed. Everyone knows babies are easy to get into a routine so this shouldn’t be a problem.

Hide away

If you have neglected to train your baby not to feed in public, shame on you. Now you have no option but to feed them where there are no people at all. Ditches, public toilets and disused factories are all great places to bond with your baby.

Cover right up

To avoid inadvertently seducing other people’s partners with an accidental nipple flash, it’s best to completely cover yourself in a sheet when out and about. It’s practical, it’s modest and you’ll have a readymade Halloween costume.

Do not leave the house

Your best option when you have a baby is just to stay at home. Not forever, just until your child learns to eat food that doesn’t come out of your sex breasts.

Use your breasts appropriately

If you are unable to do any of the above then the least you can do is use your breasts for their true purpose – to arouse and excite strangers – while you are feeding the baby. Give a cheeky wink to anyone who looks in your direction, or better still get a tattoo saying ‘Phwoar!’ on your breasts.

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Teenagers marvel as dad recalls putting on album and listening all the way through

TWO teenagers are finding it hard to believe their father would put on LPs and give them his undivided attention all the way through.

Martin Bishop’s sons were sceptical that someone would listen to a record for 30 minutes then turn it over and do the same again without a mobile phone to break up the tedium.

Bishop said: “They couldn’t imagine listening to music without checking your phone messages, although in 1984 I’d have had to go into the hall where the answering machine was.

“They were also confused by not having Instagram or Facebook to distract you. But again, that would have meant taking a Polaroid image of my dinner or whatever and pinning it on a public noticeboard.”

When Bishop’s sons asked him to prove he was not making it up, he demonstrated by putting on the Beatles’ Revolver album. After just two minutes of ‘Taxman’, they were convinced.

John Bishop, 17, said: “It’s amazing. It’s like hearing these stories of people holding their breath for 20 minutes, or sitting on top of a pole just for the sheer test of endurance.”

Bishop added: “I really miss sitting down and listening to records. Although considering most of the albums I used to buy were full of second-rate filler, thank fuck for iTunes.”