Five ways to breastfeed in public if you really must

UNLESS you’re a model, pop star or on Love Island, breastfeeding in public is often frowned upon. Follow these rules to protect the population from a hideous glimpse of breast.

Train your baby to ask for milk at appropriate times

Teach your new baby only to ask for milk in the privacy of your own home, preferably when all the curtains are closed. Everyone knows babies are easy to get into a routine so this shouldn’t be a problem.

Hide away

If you have neglected to train your baby not to feed in public, shame on you. Now you have no option but to feed them where there are no people at all. Ditches, public toilets and disused factories are all great places to bond with your baby.

Cover right up

To avoid inadvertently seducing other people’s partners with an accidental nipple flash, it’s best to completely cover yourself in a sheet when out and about. It’s practical, it’s modest and you’ll have a readymade Halloween costume.

Do not leave the house

Your best option when you have a baby is just to stay at home. Not forever, just until your child learns to eat food that doesn’t come out of your sex breasts.

Use your breasts appropriately

If you are unable to do any of the above then the least you can do is use your breasts for their true purpose – to arouse and excite strangers – while you are feeding the baby. Give a cheeky wink to anyone who looks in your direction, or better still get a tattoo saying ‘Phwoar!’ on your breasts.