Now do Corbyn, says Britain

THE British public has welcomed the long overdue resignation of Theresa May and asked Jeremy Corbyn to hand his in next. 

Voters believe that if the UK is finally clearing out uncommunicative and useless party leaders who do nothing but further their own interests, there is an obvious next step. 

Susan Traherne of Reading said: “Look at Theresa May’s reasons for resigning: party not with her on Brexit, check, unpopular with the electorate, check, achieved nothing in three years, well looks like it’s three in a row, Jeremy. 

“You’ve had your chance, like she had. You’ve bollocksed it up, like she did. Let’s hold a double retirement party and see if we can’t get some leaders that actually represent Britain, yeah? 

“Go on, do a big speech about how you would have been brilliant if it wasn’t for everyone stopping you, like your deluded counterpart, and then you two can have a nice long grizzle about it in the Commons bar.” 

Traherne added: “The Lib Dems should have a leadership contest too. Oh, they already are? How was I supposed to know?” 

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Wife who agreed to share bottle of wine only drinks one glass again

A WIFE who keeps agreeing to share a whole bottle of wine with her husband has only had one glass again, it has been confirmed.

Lying spouse Sarah Bishop yet again said ‘yes’ to sharing a bottle but hardly drank any, leaving her husband Martin looking like a bit of a pisshead as he finished it off.  

Martin Bishop said: “She only had half of the one small glass I gave her. Obviously I had to drink the rest because otherwise it would oxidise or something which I assume means it would explode.

“It was a £7.99 bottle so I couldn’t pour it away, but then I felt surprisingly pissed when I went to bed. I couldn’t be arsed to clean my teeth, so if I need a filling that’s entirely Sarah’s fault.

“What I really don’t get is that if we share a pudding in a restaurant and I take more than half she absolutely loses her shit.”

Sarah Bishop said: “I have no fucking idea why I keep doing this. I think it’s something to do with Tuesdays. On Fridays I can drink a whole box of wine and move onto sherry in a mug.”