Morning airport drinking somehow consequence-free, reckon blokes

MEN believe that drinking beer at any time of day is harmless so long as it is carried out within an airport departure lounge.

Drinking four or more pints at breakfast would usually be considered worthy of some sort of intervention by family or friends, but when done at Gatwick Airport is perfectly normal and healthy.

Frequent traveller Tom Logan said: “Airports make alcohol un-alcoholic. This is the true fact that the killjoys in the medical anti-drink lobby don’t want you to know.

“Maybe it’s something they pump into airport lounges to keep the air clean, or the natural superhuman strength you develop when you know you’re about to have it very large in Spain for 10 days.

“Admittedly I collapsed after getting off a plane in Ibiza once, but the ground was probably at a slightly different angle to the UK.”

Doctor Tom Booker said: “I would normally advise blokes to drink responsibly in airports, but I’m going to Switzerland tomorrow, so fuck it.”

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May to be remembered as Poundland Thatcher who accomplished jack sh*t

THERESA May will forever be remembered as a knock-off Margaret Thatcher who wasted three years fucking about with bullshit, commentators believe.

May, who announced this morning that she will resign on June 7th, will forever be a footnote in history for schoolchildren to go absolutely blank on during exams.

The former PM, who used her resignation speech to blame others for her own failings, is already a largely forgotten figure while still technically in office and the situation is only expected to worsen.

Political correspondent Joseph Turner said: “Thatcher had actual beliefs, however reprehensible, and followed through on them. May? Nah. She did say ‘Brexit means Brexit’ though. People might remember that.

“She had her Brexit deal, which she was convinced was brilliant because she’d arranged it, and she thought grammar schools were good because she’d been to one. 

“Her legacy? Yeah, coming up blank on that one. Maybe in the future we’ll call somebody incompetent who refuses to leave their job a ‘Theresa’?

“To be honest it probably wouldn’t stick. Just not memorable enough.”