Six ways to be superior when showing people your vinyl collection

WHAT is showing someone your record collection except a chance to prove you’re better than them? Here are some ways to really be a wanker about it.

Make sure you’ve assembled a collection of your rarest vinyl and repeatedly ask the person ‘Have you heard this?’ They won’t have because only five people have ever listened to the South Korean Ambient Funk genre.

Set the ‘Can you hold this record for a second?’ trap. Look on in fake horror as they clumsily smudge it up then patronisingly show them how to hold a record properly.

Start DJing and ask a victim to pull out a particular record from your crate. As they hack hopelessly through the collection like they’ve got arthritis in both hands, take over the job. Then file through the records with the nimble finger dexterity of squirrel on speed.

Educate your target into inferiority as you give an endless sermon that connects the New-Icelandic Jazz Movement all the way back to the first time a farmer twanged a crude banjo in the Bronze Age.  

Interrogate them on whether they can tell the difference between analogue and digital sound. When they can’t hear the ‘bass warmth’ sarcastically ask if they can tell the difference between coffee and tea.

Wear a t-shirt with a slogan like ‘I’ll take a perfect 180g repress over a shabby VG original every day’. Then laboriously explain what it means so they feel not even worthy to eject a CD.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Britain demands oaf

BORIS Johnson will become prime minister because he seems funny, it has been claimed.

The Institute for Studies found that Johnson will become the next Tory leader because he had made chucklesome appearances on Have I Got News for You, Room 101 or Top Gear.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Johnson has been on almost every entertainment show, which pretty virtually guarantees him the support of Britain’s idiot demographic, a group almost as large as the electorate.

“Idiots love Johnson’s contrived, clownish TV persona, and so will vote for him even if his policies mean they’ll be living under a flyover and cooking rats over a brazier.”

Voter Tom Logan said: “Boris reminds me of Dennis the Menace, which makes him the ideal person to run the seventh largest economy in the world.

“Whatever people say about his competence, I just think of him dangling off that wire and it makes me laugh like a nitwit.”

He added: “There he was, just hanging there like a big fat wingless seagull. Those are the sort of bold, decisive hi-jinks this country needs.”