Opportunity, the future, families: Keir Starmer's maddeningly vague political vision

No ifs, no buts. If we are to move ahead together into a brighter tomorrow we must commit to an incredibly vague set of statements no human being could really disagree with.

We must proceed into the future, not the past

Yesterday is yesterday; today is today. Tomorrow, however, is tomorrow. And I put the government on notice of that fact. We are moving forward – one day at a time, if necessary.

Opportunity. That is a good thing, not a bad thing

There are some, no doubt, who would regard ‘opportunity’ as a dirty word; who would say ‘If an opportunity comes your way, pass it up’. We in the Labour Party are not anti-opportunity. We are also pro-food, and pro-fresh air.

No ifs, no buts – families

Everyone is a member of a family. If you are not a parent, or child, perhaps you are a member of the Sainsbury’s or Amazon family. Or maybe you have no relatives at all. In which case, you are in a family of one. For Labour, if you are in a family, and you all are, you come first.

The moment is now

This is the moment. Yes, that particular moment has now passed. But here is the next moment. Under Labour, the moment will always be the moment and the moment, no ifs, no buts, as we go forward into the future, is now.

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£10 for a book of f**king stamps, and other modern rip-offs

YEARNING for the halcyon days when you didn’t get ripped off every time you stepped outside your front door? Take a – free – trip down Memory Lane.

Going to the dentist

It’s hard to believe dental care used to be free on the NHS. Now it’s 40 quid to shine a light into your mouth and God help you if you need some work done. Far better to just let your gnashers fall out naturally, and spend some of the fortune you save on a swanky blender so you can just puree your meals into a manageable mush.

Camping holidays

It used to be the ultimate low-budget getaway – a flimsy tent from the Army and Navy Stores and a fiver’s rent for a corner of a farmer’s cold, wet field. Now it’s all glamping pods, tree houses and outdoor hot tubs, costing as much as going abroad. If anyone sees you cowering in a tent now they’ll probably come back with a Costa coffee and a sandwich because they’re think you’re homeless.

Smoking

Gone are the days when you could fuel your dirt-cheap dirty habit by buying a pack of 10 for a couple of quid, or even ‘singles’ from unscrupulous shopkeepers on the way to school. Today, odds are that after forking out the best part of 15 quid for a pack of 20 you’ll find yourself smoking half of them outside the shop to calm your trembling hands. A habit of 40-a-day is now pretty much the preserve of the rich, like eating beluga caviar every day.

Stamps

Used to be a penny, or 2p to go posh and get first class. Now it’s £10.20 for a minimum of 20, two of which you are forced into using for a birthday and Christmas card for the ageing relative who will be mortally offended if you forget. The rest can sit in the cupboard drawer along with all your other unused household crap.

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