Owen Smith to start ISIS meeting with banter about whether Jaffa Cakes are biscuits

LABOUR leadership contender Owen Smith has revealed plans to engage ISIS with biscuit-based chit chat.

After commenting that he would be prepared to meet with the militant fundamentalists, Smith outlined his plan to ‘warm the room’ with some Jaffa Cakes.

He said: “I’d buy a big double-sized box of Jaffa Cakes, arrange them fetchingly on a plate then ask the ISIS guys whether they reckon they are cakes or biscuits.

“It’s just a good harmless way to get a bit of banter going. I learned it on one of the many team-building weekends I’ve been on.”

Smith added that whether ISIS opted for ‘biscuit’ or ‘cake’, he would adopt the opposite approach to get a discussion going.

“It’s good to play ‘devil’s advocate’ on the Jaffa issue because it keeps the chat flowing. So I’d argue against them. Not too strongly though, for obvious reasons.

“I’d probably close the meeting with a few asides about our respective plans for the weekend, like how I’m off to Pizza Express and they’re going to throw some gay people off of buildings.”

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Arsenal relegation 'to be this year's Premier League feelgood story'

ARSENAL getting relegated could be an even more heartwarming football story than Leicester City’s triumph last season, it has been claimed.

With abject defeat against Liverpool an early sign that the miracle could be on, football fans are hoping that 2016-17 turns out to be a season which shows fairy tales can come true.

Norwich fan Nikki Hollis said: “My dream is that this Arsenal team becomes known as ‘The Vincibles’ because of going the entire season without winning a single game.

“Football has the power to inspire us all and Arsenal finishing bottom of the table, their relegation confirmed by February, would send out a message to kids that nothing is impossible.”

Wayne Hayes, author of the whimsical footballing memoir I F**king Hate Arsenal said: “Once again, Wenger’s come home practically empty-handed from the transfer market. Once again, key players are suffering months long injury setbacks after being blown over by surprise gusts of wind.

“Could this be the season where the mad miser and his fragile band of underachieving bantamweights are finally flushed down to the Championship? Fingers crossed.”

Former Spurs player Gary Lineker said: “If this happens I pledge here and now I will present Match Of The Day naked and riding an Alsatian. Every week.”