Money for childhood anti-obesity campaign ‘has been spent on cycling medals’

PLANS to tackle childhood obesity have been scaled back because the money has been spent on winning Olympic cycling medals.

Officials had considered introducing new children’s sports facilities across the UK but admitted that priority was given to Sir Bradley Wiggins and some of his friends.

A government spokesman said: “Bradley Wiggins is cool. Overweight children are not cool.

“Also, this will mean a new era of breakfast cereal advertising contracts. Laura Trott and Jason Kenny will finally have the opportunity to put their name on some bikes that have been made in China.”

Meanwhile, experts said jealous foreigners casting aspersions over Britain’s glory simply fail to understand the nation’s idiotic obsession with Olympic success.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “British people feel that medals for strangers provide better value for money than libraries, hospital beds and public roads where you can ride a bike without falling off.”

He added: “We laugh at Denmark, with its pathetic medal tally and outstanding quality of life.”

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Man experiences strange patriotic feeling

A MAN has experienced weird stirrings of patriotism while watching the Olympics.

34-year-old Tom Booker was watching the men’s cycling when he was gripped by unusually fond emotions about Britain, its people and its indigenous animal species.

He said: “At first I wasn’t really sure what I was feeling. It was like my heart was swelling slightly and I wanted to go up a hill and look out over green rolling valleys while eating some Cheddar cheese or a fried breakfast.

“It also struck me that robins and badgers are pretty great.”

Booker, who is ‘not into flags and stuff’ said it was a feeling he had not felt since watching The Dam Busters during a school history lesson.

“You’ve got to hand it to those athletes, they are good, and they’re from Britain, and I’m from Britain too.

“So then maybe Britain is good? I’ve often thought it’s a bit of a shithole. But then when I go on holiday I do strangely miss it, even though the weather is awful and everyone looks moody on public transport.

“It’s just got…something. Oh my God I think I fancy Britain.”