Politics to have football-style season to give voters break from relentless horseshit

POLITICS is to be run on a season-to-season basis like football, in order to give the public regular breaks from the unbearable quantity of shit.

With even the most hardened politics fans currently sickened by the very thought of it, the introduction of a three month period where no politics is allowed has met with widespread support.

Political strategist Martin Bishop said: “Everyone needs a fucking break from politics once in a while. Outside of the season, even members of the public will be banned from discussing it.

We are also thinking of some sort of Politics European Cup but that’s looking less and less likely with every day.”

It has also been announced that MPs leaving parties will be limited to a ‘politician transfer window’ in July and January.

Bishop added: “The new system would mean parties could also buy politicians from each other with the Bosman system also being available for MPs without parties.”

Douglas Carswell is currently available on a free transfer though the takers are looking severely limited with many suggesting Tony Hibbert would be better value for money.

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How to make a delicious Italian recipe while rubbing your nose in my fantastic lifestyle

By broadsheet cookery writer Donna Sheridan

AS a food writer I like to think I’m not just passing on great recipes that are ‘doable’ for the reader, but also giving them a glimpse of my fantastic life that contrasts painfully with your own dire existence.

In this column I’ll be explaining a simple but delicious Italian dish, while tossing in the odd aside like the fact that we have a boathouse.

My lamb thing is a real family favourite and my son Alfie always insists on it when he’s down from Oxford, where he is at university. Oxford University. Really it’s just folded-over pizza, but it’s nicer than those Dr Oetker frozen bread discs you’re always buying from the corner shop.

It’s just as good for a proper dinner party, so you needn’t feel embarrassed serving it when your husband invites over colleagues from the successful company he’s in charge of.

Lamb Thing

Minced free-range lamb (get your butcher to give you a discount for being slightly famous)

Some other stuff like pickled courgette flowers that you won’t have or even be able to recognise in a shop

Start by making the dough. You’ll need plenty of space, so I find it’s best to have a kitchen that is bigger than your flat.

Next fry the mince with onion and add rosemary and chilli flakes. (I won’t bother to explain the rest of the recipe because I know you never cook.)

If there’s any left over – which there usually isn’t – I just keep it for a midnight snack in my massive but tasteful German fridge that you can only dream of.