COMEDIAN Roy Chubby Brown is the new home secretary, Theresa May has confirmed.
The prime minister said: “Chubbs is a real man of the people, he knows how to read a room, plus his material shows a keen awareness of immigration issues and wanking.
“With his loud annoying voice and deliberately absurd appearance he’s like Boris’s working class alter ego, although at least Chubs knows his place and can read an email without accidentally deleting it.
“I’ve told him he can still do two tours a year, provided he deports at least 12,000 people for having passport pictures that are ‘too shiny’. Chubbs thinks that’s realistic.”
She added: “We’ve done our research and found that you people are deeply prejudiced and you also love carveries. So don’t go moaning, because this is what you like.”