Salmond's Face To Be Projected On To Moon Night Before Election

THE SNP election campaign will reach a spectacular climax this week when the face of party leader Alex Salmond is projected on to the surface of the moon.

People across the northern hemisphere will be able to see Salmond's gigantic face from 10.30pm on Wednesday until around 3am the following morning.

An SNP spokesman said: "With around of 40% of voters undecided, what could be more impressive than Alex Salmond beaming down at you from space?

"We think it will give voters a tremendous sense of calm and well-being."

He added: "Obviously we're going to focus-group the whole thing and if the feedback is positive we'll look at projecting the Leader's face on to the moon on other occasions such as St Andrew's Day and Alex's birthday." 

Extra police will be on hand in several Lochaber villages where, according to Salmond, he is already worshipped as, "some kind of supernatural astronaut".

"They might think it's the end of the world and start sacrificing whatever or whoever they can get their hands on," said a police spokesman.

"It's probably best if there's a uniformed officer there to reassure them."

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Labour Campaign To Focus On Updating CVs

LABOUR candidates and party activists will spend the last three days of the campaign updating their CVs, the Daily Mash has learned.

With normally safe Labour seats now up for grabs, the party leadership has ordered an all-out effort by campaign staff to start looking for other jobs.

"There are some really terrific opportunities out there," said Labour leader Jack McConnell, "and I for one am not going to miss out."

McConnell added: "I'm really interested in fashion and the media so it would be great if I could find an opening that combined the two."

Health minister Andy Kerr, who had been tipped to succeed McConnell said: "I've held senior positions within a large organisation for five years and have shown initiative and team leadership skills.

"I enjoy motivating others and I thrive under pressure."

Finance minister Tom McCabe is set to return to his previous career of hauling unconscious drunks from the toilets in Hamilton's fourth most successful nightclub.

Meanwhile education minister Hugh Henry is planning to take some time out and has dug a large hole in his back garden where he intends to stay until the end of the year.