'Smirk like nobody's watching': inspirational quotes from Priti Patel

TOUGH day making the hostile environment positively belligerent? Sick of leftie lawyers getting you down? These are the life mottos that I, home secretary Priti Patel, swear by.

Smirk like nobody’s watching

It’s perfectly natural to have a little self-satisfied smile at the thought of gunboats hunting down leaking, overcrowded dinghies in the English Channel. Live your truth and don’t pay the haters no mind. They can’t prove you weren’t thinking of a funny bit from Only Del Boy’s Rodneys.

When god closes a border, he opens a detention centre

My spin on this famous quote about never giving up hope is simple — if you’re trying to get into our country, by any means, illegal or legal, there is no hope even in the beauty of a morning sunrise.

It’s always private sector o’clock!

Life as a public servant getting you down? Uncork a long, tall glass of private sector solutions. From healthcare to prisons to trains, there’s nothing they don’t make better. Garnish with consultants at £7,000 a day.

Life is like a box of Spearfish torpedoes

I love foreign countries, and their vibrant contributions to the world, so I love selling them weaponry. What could be kinder than giving them the means to protect themselves, and also giving those means to their opponents? Pay it forward.

What happens in Israel stays in Israel

After I was forced to resign from my post back in 2017 for holding illegal meetings, I bounced back almost immediately. How? Simple — I said this quick quote to myself every day, multiple times a day, usually while staring down a quaking intern.

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Middle-class child banned from watching TV still thick

A CHILD raised on a carefully-curated diet of educational books, Radio 4 and hand-painted wooden toys is still an idiot, his parents have admitted. 

Nine-year-old Oliver Johnson watches neither American cartoons, YouTubers playing videogames or childish prank shows, but nonetheless shows no signs of becoming a musical prodigy or chess grandmaster.

Mother Francesca said: “Everyone knows that television is to children what crystal meth is to adults. It warps their tiny minds and leaves them blithering, Family Guy-quoting dunces.”

“So we got rid of our television before Oli was born to cradle him in an environment of intellectual sophistication where knowledge was available everywhere he turned. But he’s a complete moron.

“His feeble attempt at dinner-table conversation mainly involves farting and bogeys. It’s well-trodden ground and frankly, his thoughts on the subject aren’t particularly original.

“We were hoping he’d get into a nice grammar school but there seems little chance or point, given his intelligence. We could have stuck the thicko in front of Ben 10 years ago.”

The Johnsons have admitted they are not as disappointed as their friends the Cookes, who raised their son gender-neutrally only to find he likes trucks and guns and football.