Stephen Crabb to personally cure every homosexual in Britain 

CONSERVATIVE leadership candidate, Stephen Crabb, has announced he will cure every homosexual in Britain within three years.

Crabb pledged to visit every gay nightclub, bar and book club as part of a ‘personal mission’ to cure every single man he can, even signing up to Grindr if he has to.

Crabb said: “I’m going to start by curing the hell out of the two gay guys on Gogglebox.

“And then Will Young. I might take the weekend off to cure him.”

When asked if might be able to ‘cure’ lesbians, Crabb was less enthusiastic.

He added: “I don’t know. I hadn’t thought about that to be honest.”

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Man mows lawn for insane length of time

A MAN’S neighbours are wondering how he could have spent such an insane amount of time mowing a fairly small lawn.

Roy Hobbs spent most of Sunday cutting the grass with a noisy electric mower, starting early in the morning to cause maximum annoyance.

Neighbour Donna Sheridan said: “He started at 8am and continued until late afternoon, which was odd because he’s got a normal garden, not Wembley Stadium or an Alpine pasture.

“I don’t object to him cutting his grass, it’s just that listening to a lawnmower isn’t my favourite way of spending one of my two precious days free from capitalist wage slavery.

“I assume he was obsessively getting every bit of the lawn perfect, in which case he is a sad bastard and I hope he runs over the cable next time.”

Hobbs said: “I turn it into a fun little game by imagining the blades of grass are people who’ve wronged me and now face savage retribution from the Blades of Dismemberment.”

Hobbs revealed his next project would be a whole weekend annoying the ‘absolute fuck’ out of everyone with an incredibly piercing hedge trimmer.