Southern Rail replace timetable with avant garde poem

COMMUTERS using Southern Rail will need an advanced degree in modern poetry to know when their train is due.

After months of staff disputes over acceptable levels of contempt for passengers, the new timetable was self-published in a slim volume called Intimations of Movement.

A spokesman said: “The East Croydon to London Bridge service, like a hessian crow, eyes the world with a jaded eye, except for weekends and Bank Holidays.

“But hist! A droplet of ochre rain lies on the ground, cursing heaven as it shivers, and all men must find alternative routes until further notice. Possit mutara tempore.”

The Times Literary Supplement called Southern Rail’s new work, ‘a bold and challenging rejection of traditional commuting tropes and the most exciting writing in public transport since TS Eliot’s 1934 Carlisle to Brampton Bus Timetable‘.

The work has already been adapted for the stage, with Patrick Stewart set to do a reading of the Brighton to Victoria line at the Albert Hall, accompanied by Brian Eno. Tickets have already sold out to passengers keen to know how they are meant to get home.




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'Thatcher's ghost told me to run' says every Tory leadership candidate

EVERY candidate for the Tory leadership has said they were visited by the ghost of Margaret Thatcher.

It was claimed that Thatcher’s ghost visited each of the candidates over the last week to inform them that, in her ghoulish opinion, they could definitely run the country.

Michael Gove said:  “I awoke when the owls outside my woodland cave began hooting loudly and when I came out Mrs Thatcher’s ghost was beckoning.

“She then implanted a vision of Britain in my brain. She also said that Boris was a twat.”

Favourite Theresa May added: “I heard a noise outside my coffin, I mean my bedroom, and when I came out there she was.”

Creepy former defence secretary Liam Fox claimed: “I was working in a shelter for the homeless when Thatcher’s ghost came to me. Totally true.”

Devout Christian Stephen Crabb said: “I woke up in my own bed and with my female wife when Thatcher told me I should run. It made me feel very manly.”

Meanwhile, Andre Leadsom insisted: “I’d been up all night drinking moonshine with some Hungarian builders when I saw the ghost.

“So, I can’t be sure if it was a dream, a vision or the by-product of all the moonshine, but she definitely told me I was ‘the one’.”